Failure

I can't seem to go more than two days without being a fuck up in some respect. And then people wonder why I'm suicidal. Because I'm never enough. Because I'm always letting someone down. Because I have been reduced to something so insignificant, I really don't matter. Everyone can tell me I do all they want, but until that's constantly shown, I will remain resentful of myself and. on occasion, of them too. This is massacre of emotion. I am worn down and beaten up with no point in trying again. I give up on life. Maybe next time?

Questions

I will always be judged, always be put down for doing things certain ways. Who is to say what is right and what is wrong? Who is so without faults as to be able to tell someone what they can and can't do? Why compare people when it is common knowledge that no two people are alike? Why can't I just be left the fuck alone, to be who I am? I wish there were answers to these questions.

Love

I really want to be loved. Right now, that would make all the difference. If this keeps up, I will have to look elsewhere for people to really care.

Doubts

I don't know how much longer Rachel and I will last. She has had nothing but doubts and questions about us these past two days. A good weekend with each other seems to have been all but erased from her memory. And she tells me to have faith after all this. I have been trying. I believe in us, but I feel like she's quitting. It hurts. A lot.

Done

I have been tossed aside, just like that. All over the jealousy of another. I am crushed. I hope Rachel finds the man to stick up for her.

Tonight...

Tonight he bows out. Seemingly at his prime, he decides that enough is enough, this is my time. "He always was so stubborn," they will say. "I should have noticed, I should have stopped him," others will cry. But in the end, it finally went his way. The way he wanted it.

untitled

It seems like everyone just kind of quits. Guess I can get used to that. Not that it fucking matters.

In my corner

No one can hear me because no one cares. I felt alone before, but this is pretty bad. Nothing seems real. I don't think that everything is fake though, it just convincingly appears that way. Maybe I'll see tomorrow. Perhaps I won't. Either way, things will have seemed to of worked themselves out.

Crash

I wish my life would level out. I have done nothing today. I wasn't able to from the moment I tried to wake up. I'm fucking useless.

Love

After spending an incredible weekend with Rachel, I am starting to fully understand what love is. She is the grace of my life. She will do anything and everything possible, and sometimes impossible to make me happy. I am so grateful for her and nothing will change that. We have an amazing life ahead of us and I think that alone will cure me of my depression. Rachel is the answer to all my hopes and prayers. Thank you love.

Care?

Anytime something bad happens to me, Rachel feels sorry for herself. It's annoying. I'm not certain if it's bad that I just don't care anymore. She can pout all she wants. Maybe that will help her suicidal boyfriend. Doubtful.

I'm am entirely despondent at this point in time.