Hiding

I think it's time I go into hiding again. I find myself ruining/diminishing my life and those around me. I need to stop doing so. I need to go away. I also need to make sure I don't end up hurting myself along the way. Considering how I feel and my emotional state, that could be a very real possibility in the future. I can and will take care of myself. I am not someone else's responsibility.

Just realized a major issue. Last year, when something happened, I could walk down to see Malcolm or he'd come to me. What would I do this year?

The P's

I do enjoy hanging out with my parents. I love it when they come to visit.

True intentions will never be known. Never be asked. Only assumed.

Tonight

I hope tonight goes as well as I had planned. It's going to be a long ass day again, but that's to be expected. I'm kind of glad I won't see Rachel, but that's neither here nor there. Granted her present has died and the other has yet to get here. Meh. But that was just one more thing on the list to further wear me out. Should be good!

Also, nothing better than studying to my new vinyl.

The Past

I'm over the past, why can't it just go away? It doesn't matter. It serves no real purpose. And now it's supposedly getting in the way of Rachel's being happy. Awesome. I have no idea what to do in this situation, whether she wants me close or distanced. I wish she would just talk to me and articulate how she's feeling and what would help. Leaving me in the dark does nothing.

Learning

because cutting is not coping

I think it might be time.

Normal

Things could not get any stranger at this point in my life. I am almost certain of this. Normal. All I want.

I am left even more confused than before and I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. I'm certain this will result in more hiding. Advice from therapy be damned. I'm hiding. It's not right or good, but comfortable and easy.

Gone Missing

I suppose I was due to go missing at some point. Not sure why now is the time, but it seems to be so. I don't really enjoy or want to be around people. Just not really making me happy. I want to get out and do things, but unfortunately, others are usually involved with those activities. I am not looking forward to tomorrow at all. Today sucked. I don't enjoy speech and debate. I really don't. I'm only in it for Crawford and Mae. Oh well. I just need to stick it out.

I wonder how long this feeling will last. I suppose I will find out eventually. But until then, goodbye world.

Faking

I guess pretending to be normal can only get me so far. I will still collapse mentally from time to time. I want to be normal. I want to be boring. I want to stop thinking like this.

Loooooong Weekend

Very excited to go climbing again. I love getting time with Pete too. However, I'm going to greatly miss Rachel. Having had her company for the past week has been extraordinary. I can't say enough good about it and her.