Thinking

After some thought, I think I get/got insecure about Rachel's past because I wished I was part of it. I was just jealous that those other guys got to be where I most certainly could have been and would loved to have been. Knowing just how wonderful she is and how much I love her is what made that difficult. Knowing I could have totally done that but so much better. Plus, literally spending my entire life with her would be awesome and something I always wish I had. Regardless of what Rachel says about her as a child, I know I would like her. Rachel is just a naturally amazing individual of upstanding character. You can't learn her inner beauty. I will just have to settle for being with the most amazing woman I will ever know for the rest of my life. The late start wasn't ideal, but better late than never.

Oh Rachel

You are too good. I can't seem to get enough of her and miss her the second she's out of sight. Every time I'm with her, I seem to fall in love again. Rachel is perfect for me and will make the most amazing wife. There was some commercial on TV tonight with a bunch of babies (I had no sound so I don't know what it was for) and it reminded me of her. She will be a great mother to our kids and make me proud to call her my wife. I simply cannot wait.

Devendra

Great song/album:

(Who do you love?)

The lover you can't forget

(Who do you love?)

Or the lover you haven't met

Couple Things

First and foremost, I greatly miss Rachel. She's too good not to be missed.

Secondly, I hate the media. All this coverage of Tiger Woods is, while intriguing, not worth anyone's time. Why delve deeper into another's personal life than one would let anyone into theirs? To make manners worse, there's all this dramatic talk of "he was perfect, now what" and "what kind of legend do we have to admire now?" bouncing around. Really? Who truly idolizes athletes and how does one go about measuring this idolatry and reverence? I think the media is making this a big deal, as they do with most things, when it's nothing. This is a man whose life is breaking apart and ESPN and TMZ want us along for every development! No thank you. Tiger Woods was never a role model. He threw constant fits on the golf course, swears like a sailor on the course, and is clearly a selective prick in all his interviews. In the end, he is human and always has been. Whether or not one sees it depends on how far up the ass one's head has gone. For most people, it seems to have gone pretty far.

School

Dear School,

I know I am technically paying to attend you. But honestly, fuck you.

Cordially, Patrick Mullins

And repeat...

I am eagerly awaiting the apocalypse. It must be eminent, as the sky seems to be falling. Rachel can't do this anymore and I don't care. I've been here before. Being the one who doesn't care, it is my job to do nothing other than be the antagonist. Therefore, I will continue my role.

I wonder if this is one of those "if only we had just actually talked, things would have been so much different" issues or a "'I was completely out of line' 'No, I was'" issue. Or if this is finally over. Only time will tell.

And repeat

This kind of thing gets really old. Here we are going over something that is not worth our time. It strikes me as alarming that we are not on the same page. Who would have thought that different people would have different views and opinions? This argument is exactly why I don't want to move in with Rachel. We have a long way to go before we're ready for that if we ever reach that point. I don't have the time or energy to deal with any extra aggravation. I don't care how unfair this may be of me. I need to be concerned with, and take care of, me. Rachel can take care of herself, she's a big girl.

What now?

I do believe this is the point in my life in which I sit down and try to figure out what is going on. However, I don't have the time to really do that successfully. Therefore, I will continue about my merry way. At least some of my professors and friends think I'm doing the right thing. Or are at least interested in it. Either way, I'll consider that a victory.

I'm only 23 with a lot of life to live. I should start treating it that way.

Exhaustion

I am completely exhausted in every way shape and form. My mind has completely shut down for the time being. I need a break more than anything. Luckily for me, I don't have one coming until after finals are over. Even then, I have to finish some of my incomplete classes. Right now, the fetal position sounds like my best option. Just curl up and stay that way until everything is over. However, I will not give in to the stress and work. I will continue to prove I can be a successful student. I am certain I am not the only one that feels this way, but I'm certain I am within a minority that can suffer dire consequences should this get out of hand. I will persevere. I will succeed. And perhaps at some point I'll get a break.

Dear life, please stop harassing me. I would like to sleep, so take your headache with you.