My Redemption

I think things may have finally been resolved. It's been incredibly difficult and painful, but this should work. Rachel and I both know what we need to do and we will do that. Neither of us will need to change a thing, other than opening up our hearts and love. I don't know why that's an issue to begin with. All that matters is we love each other as much as we possibly can. Showing that love will be beautiful and nothing can change that.

Reality

I wish there was something to believe in. One thing that was real. Just one bit that never changed. It seems more and more that nothing is permanent. Perhaps Buddhism is reality. Dharma, the truth, is suffering. I can't yet relish in that fact. I am only beaten down by it. Nothing is real. Nothing is sacred.

Wish

I, along with the rest of the world, want nothing more than for me to die. Immediately.

Awesome!

I had the most fantastic weekend ever. Rachel and I tore it up at formal, Ellie's confirmation was fun, and today was exciting minus school. Rachel and I finally put everything aside and decided to love each other unconditionally and it was the most beautiful thing ever. Without a doubt, the highlight of my life. There are no words to describe this, we were both just smiles. Just a major wow. And this will be the rest of my life! My cheeks will be huge for all the smiling that I will be doing while sharing my happiness with Rachel over what an amazing woman she is. I love her and she loves me. That's all there is to it.

Pain

On my way home tonight, I was upset again. It started out as just mild resentment with high speeds, soon brooding anger with the consideration of running into the moving train, then yelling in pain, and finally wailing in a way I have never done before. Wailing in anger, sadness, worthlessness, and the deepest emotional pain. I couldn't stop, but kept driving anyway. I didn't stop until half an hour after my mom came to comfort me. I am lost and hurt right now. The wailing may have stopped for now, but I can still feel and hear it.

Missing

I don't know if anyone would miss me if I went away. People seem indifferent towards me mostly. Occasionally caring, but mainly indifference. Perhaps I should just run away. I've been missing for quite some time anyway and nobody has seemed to taken notice to that. Support, love, and happiness are what I'm looking for. There is some here, but I seem to be an inconvenience to them. I don't want to be that anymore. I want to be accepted and loved unconditionally. Rachel is almost there.

Renewal

Tonight was amazing. I was getting ready for bed after a long day of nothing other than trying to be there for Katie and guitar. Then I realized that wasn't what I wanted to do right before climbing into bed. I needed a release, I needed something to fulfill me. So I decided I had to keep my word and climb the Jesus tower, having scoped it out and made it a goal to do so. Quickly and silently changing, I ventured back out to do this. However, the underpass for me to cross was a third of a mile passed the tower. I considered crossing the highway, but decided I'd just stick it out to be safe. Upon making it to the tower with no cars around, I went in only to find out that I would not be able to climb it, as it was sectioned off by levels. Damn ceilings getting in my way. Abandoning that, I ventured across the highway for that rush I was looking for. Not really having to avoid many cars, I made it across. Having done so, I noticed a man outside Diamond Club South waving fanatically at me, so I removed my headphones. This man is Alex. Alex recently was released from jail after serving eight years. Alex went to the strip club with his buddies to celebrate and was enjoying himself and the Mexican woman who looked Asian. After exclaiming how impressed he was that I crossed the highway, he asked if I was okay and moved me into the light so he could check out my eyes. After my assurance and the examination, he offered to buy me a drink or give me a ride to the hotel. I declined both politely and with much appreciation. Then he said something that will stick with me for quite some time. Alex proclaimed, "God is good, man." At this, I smiled and agreed. This was big. So we chatted a bit more and I told him to enjoy himself and time with his buddies and I was glad he was released. He seemed stunned and as appreciative as one could ever be. Alex told me he hopes we see each other again. I hope so too.

The reason this occurrence holds such ground with me, is the message behind it. I have been searching and hoping to find good in society for awhile now, to no avail. I want to be able to believe in others, knowing they are good. This was my sign.

Being randomly roused out of the potential comfort of sleep to wander stuck me as strange but necessary. I followed that to the thing I thought would bring me happiness, the Jesus tower. Upon searching this out and trying to make it work, my efforts were fruitless. Seeking thrills in crossing the highway, flirting with death and disaster, were a loss. It was Alex that changed all this. I cannot seek out the good in society, rather it will find me. Here is a man who was released from jail after eight years who first made sure I was okay physically, mentally, and emotionally. A stranger with a crime record! I now believe that good people sometimes do bad things, not the opposite.

It was so much more than that though. I went searching for Jesus. I have been looking and forcing the issue for years. I went searching and came up lame. I have tried worldly goods to find them momentarily fulfilling, but nothing to build on. However, by happenstance, I was found trying these means unsuccessfully and brought to true happiness. That Alex said, "God is good," is no coincidence. This was my first conversation with God. Tonight was my awakening. I was lost and have been found. Thank you.

Rebound!

Today was a really good day. This is surprising as I only got two hours of sleep last night due to attempting (and failing) to be a good boyfriend. But class went well, coconut was good, got to see Pete before he left, flight was fun, made friends with two old men (one Asian man who I let use my bins for his coat before he thanked and blessed me many times over and my Hispanic friend who, in spite of our language barrier, shared many laughs with me and I got to let him and his wife sit next to each other on the plane and watch them be good to each other), experienced hardcore deja vu (still waiting on the results), made it into beautiful Houston, had a good meal, got to stroll the local area, got called either a nigger or a beggar, played guitar by the pool, and am ready for another good day. Found three strip clubs, two pool halls, and numerous places to trespass tomorrow on my walk tonight. And I will play guitar while sitting on the median of the highway by the end of this weekend. Solid.

Questions

After what I had hoped would be a successful evening, I am filled with questions.

How long with the peace last? Will Rachel ever admit to doing something wrong, or must I always be to blame? Should we be together if I drag her down like that? Will she realize that I'm giving her multiple chances too?

The big question that's been floating around me is does any of this matter? Is life real? Since everything came from something, where did that something come from? Can nothingness produce something or is everything a mirage? If so, why continue to follow the path I'm on? Why not sell everything and live in search of that?

So now I may drop out of school and pursue that. Seems to make sense.

Worried

I really hope things work. I will do anything and everything within my power to keep Rachel around, unless she doesn't want to be. If that is the case, I will respect her decision and just do what I can from there. I love her and miss her. Whatever happens, I hope she can be as happy as possible.