Change

Today is my last day of Spanish and I could not be happier about that. Having all my classes in english again will be wonderful. I miss understanding all of it.

Tomorrow, Katie moves back to Cincinnati. I knew this would happen and as my parents asked me, I wonder why I can't just find a girlfriend who lives near me.

I'm very excited that Rachel got into her program. She's going to do a great job. However, finding out she may have cancer certainly put a damper on my night. As much as I'd love to be emotionally disconnected from her, I still care an awful lot. I hope everything comes out perfect and she doesn't have cancer or have to deal with any pain. She's still a wonderful person and only deserves the best. Secretly, I kind of miss her.

I almost cut my foot off with an axe a couple days ago. Luckily I didn't and I just have a cut and probably a broken bone. I hope it heals in time for the frisbee tournament next weekend. My mother was thrilled to see and hear that when she came down yesterday on her way to her "Sisters' Weekend" in Nashville. It's been nice seeing my family more.

I believe that I like the way things are going. I will do all I can in my month off before the fall semester to prepare myself to succeed. As always, nothing will come easy and I need to be ready for that.

I realized last night that I don't really look into the future that much anymore. I can't. I don't know why, but I lost the ability to do so. I now realize each day is a battle and I can't really take anything for granted. I don't know how things will turn out. I have no idea. I suppose I always loved a good surprise.

Oooomar!

I missed my boy Omar. Tonight was a blast. Just sitting around talking for three hours. I'm glad he'll be in Indy next year. We'll get to smoke, hang out, and get back to Muslim Posse status. Holla!

Awkward!

Oh life, you're silly. This is a message I received today from a former high school classmate:

So, I don't know that I ever talked to you in high school, but you were definately in my dream last night. We met at some concert and then walked along a boardwalk by the ocean....?

Pretty much the most random thing ever. I'm glad technology allowed me to share this with you lol

Valpo

First of all, the Alice in Wonderland trailer looks phenomenal and I am very excited for that to happen. Should be excellent.

Also, I'm looking forward to going to Valpo this weekend, even if it is for an emissions' test. It'll be nice to hang out with the family and Sean again. And I let Brandon and Omar know I'm going to be there ahead of time for once. Haha. Now I'll actually get to see them. It'll be great going out with them again. And I won't have to worry about running into Rachel while I'm there since she moved, which is relieving. I have enough space in Indy I don't have to concern myself with ever seeing her. I can't wait to sit around and talk with those two again. They both seemed very excited about it, as am I. It's nice to get away from Indy now and again. The two canoe trips I have coming up will be wonderful too. Woo!

Friendship

Helping Pete move his stuff out of the house made me realize how much I'm going to miss not having him around. These past two days have been awesome. I forgot what it's like to have a friend like that. Someone who really cares about me and what's going on in my life. Hanging out with everyone at Kite's was solid. Sitting around, smoking copious amounts of hookah, talking. This is the good life. This is what I've been looking for. The loyalty and love amongst us all is awesome. I wouldn't trade last night for anything. Nothing could have ruined that.

Also, today's workout was AWESOME! I've missed working out.

Happiness

Tonight was good. I enjoyed that Pete said he hadn't seen me looking this happy in a long time. It's true. That's a fact I can live with. Minus getting aggravated with Mike's immaturity, today was a really good day. Tomorrow is promising, what with the quality painting time Malcolm and I will get and the yard work to follow. Physical labor! Woo! Plus Katie gets back Monday. Solid. Thank you life, I'm glad we can get along so well now.

Bike rides!

After today's epic bike ride, I am beginning to think I should take one everyday. This is a really good feeling. Minus my legs. Worth the tradeoff.

Relaxed

Surround oneself with what makes one happy, remove that which does not. Do what is right.

I enjoy being relaxed, void of stressors and disappointment. Today's bike ride was wonderful. Everything is as it should be.

Victory!

Magic! Sparks! Love! Etcetera!

I call that my week. Haha.

Okay...

I'm not sure why Rachel felt the need to contact me yesterday. Who knows. I'm glad she's happy that I've found someone good for me and she's done the same. It was really awkward though when I kept closing out the box thinking she was done and then it kept popping up. Oh well.

I missed being happy and allowing myself to be. I could get used to this again. Never again will I take a vacation from being happy. I will be more aware of the people I associate myself with and how they affect me. Friends are good. Family is good. Lying to oneself is not.

Delusions

The Korean Zen master Hyunoong Sunim was holding a discussion at San Francisco Zen Center. A student asked him the reason human beings persist in habits that cause them harm, sometimes long after they have ceased to be pleasurable.

"In Christianity," answered Hyunoong Sunim, "this is known as original sin. In Buddhism, we call it delusion." He looked around the room. "Why is there delusion?"

He shrugged his shoulders and lifted both hands into the air. "No reason!"

At this he laughed heartily.

This could not be truer for me. I was in a perpetual cycle of unhappiness, trapped by my delusions of life. I refused to live, I was wrapped up in making guess as to what was next, what was true, what was important. I lost track of all that was. I could not live for each moment, as I was more concerned about where each moment would lead next. I have since let that go. I am making attempts to lose my delusions, to see and live life at the same time, not live now and look ahead. It's much better.

Greg's wedding was beautiful. Hearing him talk about Taryn Friday night was one of the greatest memories I have. Seeing him on the altar with her, recalling what he said almost brought me to tears, but I fought it off. Talking with everyone at the wedding and afterwards, I realized that Rachel and I were making a terrible mistake in ever thinking we could get married. That's just not the case. I always say her for what she could have been, never for who she was. That's no foundation for a true relationship.

However, I once again have a relationship. In no way, shape, or form did I expect this to work as it has. I figured one night make-out at most. However, things with Katie are wonderful. We spend a majority of the day laying in bed talking, cuddling, learning about each other. It doesn't seem like something I'd go for, but I very much enjoy it. Everything between us is very relaxed and natural. We don't really try, and I am never afraid of making a mistake. I don't really feel like I can with her. We more or less just understand the other and it's a beautiful and simple thing. I am greatly enjoying this.

Bachelor Party

Last night's bachelor party was tremendous. In true Sigma Nu fashion, we didn't go out, but rather made it a porch night and spent most of it talking. While I found out far more than I ever needed to know about interrelations at SNu, it was still a great time. Just a few brothers sitting around enjoying each other's company. Plus the trip to Qdoba at 4AM was totally worth it too. Delicious!

I did not expect that...

Well, well, well. That was a very unexpected surprise. After four years of flirting and acting disinterested, Katie and I finally let our guards down. Having spend fourteen hours in bed cuddling, talking, and sleeping, I'd say it was a success. I haven't been this interested in someone since Neena. The best part is that I'm not going to worry about this. I'm not going to postulate anything about her. I will just let things be as they are. And right now, they're wonderful.

Friends

I'm glad Frauhiger is in town for Greg's wedding. I haven't seen him in way too long. Getting to spend the night talking over hookah on the porch was splendid. Nothing could have ruined that. Nothing did.

I really wish I was always capable of sleeping normally. That would be cool. Cursed itching.

To Beard or Not To Beard...

Ahhhhhh! Decision! I hate being torn like this. I have my loyalties to both. Sure, I'd love to do the drag show again. But I also love my beard. I could do it with my beard and be a bag lady, but it's just not the same. Drat.

In other news, them hos will be hos. Can't change that.

I realized that I lived a fairly laid-back couple of decades to start my life, then I lost that. I'm getting that back. I need to. I started taking life too seriously and got locked up in the wrong kind of things in most aspects of my life. Starting today, I take control. I maintain the maturity I have, but will laugh more, live more, and make my own experiences. As far as I know, I live once. It's my life, my existence. I'm done sharing it, dedicating it, wasting it. That was a mistake. No more.

BOOM!

I am diggin Phineas and Ferb. Hardcore. I need more friends. Haha.

"What about the curse where you have bad beards for life" "You don't even have a chin!"

"That's a risk I'm willing to take."

Truth

The truth will set you free. Remove the illusions of your life. Stop. Concentrate. See life as it is.

The Real 4th

If I learned anything yesterday, it is that I cannot predict the future. Haha. My guesses as to my day were way off. I thought it would be decent at best and I'd go home early to sit alone and pout while thinking of Rachel. Not what happened. It was an awesome day minus two things: having to hear my roommates have sex again and waking up from a nap to have my stomach feel like I was being stabbed repeatedly. Other than that, amazing.

Going over to Snu was delayed, but totally worth it. I haven't gotten to spend that kind of brotherhood time with them in way too long. We sat around shooting the shit, drinking, and setting off fireworks. It's the simple things. Doesn't hurt that I dominated beer pong. I'm still impressed that entire 12 pack was gone with only giving away two beers. I never lost my touch. And didn't get drunk. I miss those times where I can just sit around with everyone and be myself. It was nice to have that again. Get a good group together and just sit and talk over some hookah and High Life. As the night started to wind down and Jori came over, it was a nice change of pace. I know we were both happy to see each other. Her spending the night was a pleasant surprise. Needless to say, I wasn't laying in bed thinking of how much I missed Rachel and that. Wishing she was the one next to me instead of Jori. Didn't happen. Rachel's got her new man now. She was the last thing on my mind. Missing her is not my problem anymore. I think I am finally cured. Thank you life. You're working your way back into my good graces. And thank you for reminding me what it's like to be wanted.

Strangers fucking love me. I have no idea why, but they always talk to me.

And I hate my roommates. You know I'm here. You know I'm awake. Yet you insist on having sex anyway. I disrespect both of you and can't wait to move out of here. I have yet to feel at home. I don't enjoy being a stranger in my own house.

The 4th

Today is the fourth. Two years ago I realized I was in love with the most amazing woman I'd ever met. A fun cookout at my grandparents' house. Three days later, 7/7/07, Rachel looked as good as I'd ever seen anyone and it was magnificent. I really appreciated how she went out of her way for me. I know I'm not supposed to, but remembering all this last night made me miss her incredibly so. That's not really anything new, but laying in bed unable to sleep and thinking about that made it worse. Tomorrow I will be busy hanging out with everyone at Snu. Once I head home though, I know my mind will be fluttering away.

But we need to live our lives. So, on this 4th of July, we celebrate our independence. She can clearly live without me and I will have to do the same. Regardless, I love you and miss you. I want to tell you. To call you. To hear your voice, although more than likely on the voicemail. But I want you to be happy. And you seem to be with Scott. So I won't bother you. I hope to see you again though dear.

Tonight

Holy shit. Tonight, while starting out rocky, is perfect. I can't believe it. I never realized how much I love that movie. Mainly because I don't really remember it. I wish I could remember movies better. Some stick, some don't.

And OMFG! Haha. The potential this thing has. I am so excited. Like giddy. I haven't been this happy in awhile. Who would have thought that a random conversation with Eric could have brought about this? I hope this movie gets done. I hope people can see my vision. I hope this changes lives. If it gets done, it will certainly change mine. I love you all. I love my friends. Without them, I wouldn't be possible. I can never thank them enough. But I will try.

Family

There is nothing quite as wonderful as a day out with the family. It was, as always, a great time. I'm glad I'll always have them on my side.

Mourning

Talking out the pain. That's what I'm doing. Hopefully this works. Because right now, while I hide everything well, it's still there. I'm in disbelief at how this is tearing me apart. How in the hell was Rachel so quick to get over all this? I realize her post made most of that clear, but I remain envious of her ability to get past all this. I so badly want to just man up, or whatever, and stop caring. I love her still. I know she doesn't think so, but I do. Just as much as ever. I'm going to miss her a lot. But I want her to be happy. And she's happy this way. So I will let her go. I believe this is what she wants, so she can have it. If I'm wrong, just let me know. I'll always be here.

It's kind of funny really. The last time I saw Rachel, we talked about this. How one of us will say something to create space between the two of us. Then we'll take a break from each other for awhile. Finally, we eventually hang out and fall for each other again. We laughed about it then. Only now, that final step can't ever happen. There's no point when only one of us wants that. I will come to accept that. I will stop wanting to talk to her, to see her, to spend time with her. Time heals all wounds.