Mourning

Talking out the pain. That's what I'm doing. Hopefully this works. Because right now, while I hide everything well, it's still there. I'm in disbelief at how this is tearing me apart. How in the hell was Rachel so quick to get over all this? I realize her post made most of that clear, but I remain envious of her ability to get past all this. I so badly want to just man up, or whatever, and stop caring. I love her still. I know she doesn't think so, but I do. Just as much as ever. I'm going to miss her a lot. But I want her to be happy. And she's happy this way. So I will let her go. I believe this is what she wants, so she can have it. If I'm wrong, just let me know. I'll always be here.

It's kind of funny really. The last time I saw Rachel, we talked about this. How one of us will say something to create space between the two of us. Then we'll take a break from each other for awhile. Finally, we eventually hang out and fall for each other again. We laughed about it then. Only now, that final step can't ever happen. There's no point when only one of us wants that. I will come to accept that. I will stop wanting to talk to her, to see her, to spend time with her. Time heals all wounds.