Last wishes

I want nothing more than for life to go away, to leave me at peace. Until that time, I will fight. The problem with internal battles is one will always get hurt. I'm okay with that.

I don't know what I expected. Perhaps something more than a text. Maybe proving something. Again, I am disappointed. I generally am. Perhaps this is the perfect time to rethink what I hoped would work. Perhaps.

Downturn

Sometimes I just don't know. Today was a radical mood swing from euphoric yesterday to suicidal again today. I started happening during my American Religious History course while talking to Rachel. I don't know what to do. Perhaps I'm insecure about what I'm going to be doing in the future. I'd like to go to a seminary for study, but I don't know how she feels about it. Uneasy at best it seems to me. So I shut down, almost cried, then lost all feeling but sadness. I need her here, but that won't happen. I feel empty, like I have nothing. For now, Rachel is a mirage to me. I can see and hear her, but never get to feel anything. I need that more than anything. I need to feel love. I shouldn't have bought a knife sharpener.

Wonderful

Today Rachel and I shared our livejournals with each other after I asked if she ever wrote with no audience in mind. I was, of course, talking about this. Nobody knows about it, that I'm aware of, yet I update it regularly. Oh well. So we read each other's journals and it was nice. I got to see Brad in a new light and understand that more. Rachel really is a special woman. We video chatted again and it was wonderful! Getting to see her beauty is all its glory is always a treat. She is beautiful, comforting, and sexy all at the same time. I can't get enough of her. All I wanted was to be there with her, to actually feel her against me, not just imagining it. Even then, I could feel her and it was wonderful. I talked to her for eight straight hours and could have talked far longer. We have true love, and it is beautiful.

Redemption

Love is finding that person who sees one is beautiful and intelligent and wants to cherish that together forever.

Rachel and I have not only gotten back to where we were, but eclipsed that in the most beautiful way. This past week has involved us getting to know each other in ways we only talked about. We are incredibly open and welcoming of questions and suggestions. This is love. This is what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life.

Powerless and weak

Today proved to be difficult still, as I lay in bed until 2:30, with no reason or motivation to get up. Rachel is still, understandably, shaken by yesterday. There is no hope in sight. She is lost and has told me there is nothing I can do to help. Surrendering all power to her is painful, but must be done. This is now in her hands, and if we are meant to be together, then she will decide so for us. Deciding to pick up my Tricycle magazine, the article on relationships, namely unhealthy ones, caught my attention. Reading through it, I saw Rachel and my relationship unfold. We are both sides of lenchak to each other. We both give with nothing in return and take and take without rewarding the other. I have been so blind to what she does and it is difficult to look back on. However, I will become more aware of myself, speak less, and listen more. This will, hopefully, help in our relationship, or futures ones awaiting me. I hope it is the first. Time to get back into religion. Now I need to determine if I jump in or ease in. Only the events of my immediate future will tell.

Philosophy

Today has proven true that nothing is permanent. This weekend with Rachel was beyond special. We were with each other for all but a total of 6 hours. Then I broke down and ruined almost everything we had worked towards. I hate my life and it shows. I am emotionally destroyed. Every time I start to open up, I get burned. I give and give for nothing. This time has been no different. Rachel knows my need for privacy and is now telling Lucas about my issues. I'm done telling her anything for awhile. My trust has been betrayed and I am once again hurt.

New Page?

Today is the first day of my newest medication. I've heard the horror stories about anti-depressants and all the baggage that comes with them. It will be interesting to see how this affects me in the long term. So far, all the short term madness is here. I was often confused earlier, dizzy, nauseous, and irritable. Go me! Luckily I went to go practice some hockey stuff to keep myself happy after all this. Rachel isn't doing it again tonight. Yesterday we said we'd do a video chat and I don't see that happening. She hasn't said anything about it and I don't think she cares or wants to. Oh well. Same shit, new day.

End?

Today has been another interesting day. Classes went fine and I even started homework. However, everything else is out of whack. Couldn't get a hold of any psychiatrist that will take me due to specialization. Rachel is out of it. She evidently wants to do social work with children and become an emergency foster parent. I hope her husband is down for that, because it sure won't be me. I want to live my life for once, not be stuck with commitments to her fucking dog and a baby that isn't even mine. So I'm not sure if this will work. I may have to cut this off before it's too late.

Bid Day went missing

It seems everything is so frivolous anymore. Today could have not happened and that would have been fine. Nothing stands out. I'm just here. And even then, barely. The rampant immaturity surrounding me is annoying. I don't think less of them, it's just that the lack of responsibility and control demonstrated by all can be detrimental. I want no part in it. I need as much control over myself as I can get. I haven't been able to feel all day and as soon as Rachel signed off, I started crying. I wish she would have just called me instead. She only calls me when something is wrong. How can no one see how much I hurt?

Worthless

Today I truly feel worthless. Nobody notices anything. Everyone is so self-absorbed and concerned with serving themselves and their wants. Rachel didn't ask how I was feeling, left a half-hearted voicemail, and didn't bother to leave me anything else. She doesn't need me and I should just accept that. She may love me, but she sure doesn't need me. I'll leave her alone until she asks for me back. I feel like I don't matter. As though I'm being used all the time. Few seem to give a shit about me as a person. Everyone is so cold and shut off. I hate this.

Up and down...

I am lost once again. I was fine until Brad came into the picture again. Just one talk about our past and a slip with his name instead of brag and I was gone. Finding out what he did to Rachel for the last two years of their relationship kills me. That anyone would tell someone else they love them and sleep with them while dating someone else is terrible. To sleep with both in the same night is even worse. I have such an anger through me about him, I can't help it. I hate him and wish him the worst. He's not even human. No one deserves to be treated like that, especially Rachel, who is so sweet. I can't understand any of this and it infuriates me. I wish she would have left him sooner. I wish I would have said something to her our first year together at work, effectively removing him from the picture entirely without any of this pain cause to Rachel and I. Someday things will be simple.

Leaving

I want so badly to leave this place. Last night's breakdown was just another piece of the Valpo puzzle. I am incredibly lonely here. With everything going on, nobody is bothering to actually listen to me. Each person involved has an opinion, and the time to share it, but not the time to hear what's going on. So cliche, but my parents do not understand a single bit of this. That, understandably, scares the shit out of them and it ends up on me. All their confusion and worry ends up on me. Rachel is the same thing. She worries so much about me and what will happen. If someone would show me faith that things will get better instead of worse, maybe they actually will. Until that time, I regress into my hole. Fighting can only get one so far in a battle. Eventually, backup is a must.

Going back

Tomorrow I leave for Butler again. I don't particularly want to go back. I hate that place. Almost as much as I hate being home. To be torn between the lesser of all evils time and time again gets to be a tad annoying. I wish this society ran differently, where one wouldn't have to seek a higher education to do a job where most of that education will not be needed. Such are things, however and one just has to deal with it. So I will for as long as possible.