Downturn

Sometimes I just don't know. Today was a radical mood swing from euphoric yesterday to suicidal again today. I started happening during my American Religious History course while talking to Rachel. I don't know what to do. Perhaps I'm insecure about what I'm going to be doing in the future. I'd like to go to a seminary for study, but I don't know how she feels about it. Uneasy at best it seems to me. So I shut down, almost cried, then lost all feeling but sadness. I need her here, but that won't happen. I feel empty, like I have nothing. For now, Rachel is a mirage to me. I can see and hear her, but never get to feel anything. I need that more than anything. I need to feel love. I shouldn't have bought a knife sharpener.