Bleh

I feel like complete shit again, but that's to be expected. Not every day will be sunshine and unicorns. I will have days like today and just have to deal with it. So that's what I've done so far. It remains remarkably frustrating feeling I lead a meaningless life, but so what? Perhaps tomorrow will be better. It has the potential to make or break my week. We'll see which one it is.

Better

After a relatively rough day, I have made it out with a much better attitude. Primary thanks goes to Rachel for, as always, being there for me. She is a truly special person and I am so grateful to know her and have her in my life still. Also, thanks to fireworks, hookah, and friends for keeping me in touch with life. Lastly, I need to thank myself for not letting things get out of hand. I am quite pleased with myself for that and hearing Rachel echo those sentiments was wonderful. Tomorrow has a great deal of promise and I look forward to seeing what I can make of it.

Yay Pain!

Why is it that when things start to go well, I'm brought back into a lengthy of backlash? I am so close to having my shit together and now life wants to return me back to hell. I am once again miserable, just short of suicidal again. The old urges are there, but I am fighting them and trying to fix myself. I am able to do this on my own. I am able to be happy on my own. It's when other people get involved that shit goes wrong. So I want to leave everyone that pretends to know me behind. I'm tired of this shit. I hate that nobody is willing to put in the time and effort to nurture a true relationship. Nobody knows why I do things. Nobody seems to care. Pat just does what he does evidently. I'm sick of being alone when I'm with other people. I'm sick of people being fake. I'm sick of considering being something I'm not. I'm sick of having to pretend to be happy. I'm sick of life. And instead of taking my own, I will simply have to start another for myself. I wonder if anyone would actually miss me? I feel like Rachel could, but I don't know anymore. She seems to have more going for her now that I'm out of the picture. Nothing like pretending I'm not still in love with her so we can be friends. Or her having to go right after I say something that, without explanation, seems like I want nothing to do with her. Go me. Go life. Time to go away.

Fuck

Really not in a good mood today, no matter what I do. Awesome. Nothing like uncontrollable rage running through me. I wonder how long this episode will last and if it will ever give-in to my wishes?

Frustrated

Today my parents called just to yell at me. Nothing really gets me excited and in a good mood quite like that. Being told that I'm doing a really shitty job with school was quite the boost I was looking for going into next year. According to Sean, my dad is tempted to make me come home and go to a community college and have me work. Frankly, I'd like to see them fucking try. I will sooner ask for that money towards tuition, buy a plane ticket, and settle in Asia as a monk. That way I will not have to deal with them and their ignorance towards me and what's going on with me. They complain about not knowing anything with me when they never ask. Evidently calling when they're upset with me or there's a sporting event should warrant full details of my daily life. I highly doubt my parents know my life goal, why I started cutting, why I kept cutting, why I did so poorly in school, why I'm pissed with them, or care. I have purposely put distance between myself and them as no matter what I say in regards to myself, they are correct. Because they know me better than I do. I mean I am just avoiding responsibility for my life evidently. I almost applied for the Peace Corps today just so I could get the fuck out of here and not have to deal with them for two years or so. Get me in another country, cut off my communication, and give them some time to actually think about things. Yelling at me is not conducive to a conversation. That is not how you get things done. Yet they always miss this. My parents may have raised me, but that don't know the first thing about me and I'm sick of it. I want my independence from them. I will do whatever it takes, whatever hoops I have to jump through, regardless of how much it may set me back for the future. I'm tired of this bullshit with them. I don't want to see them this weekend. I don't want to ever go to Valpo again. I'm ready to cut my ties and have been for awhile.

Metaphor of the Day

A butterscotch sundae was presented to me today as the metaphor of the day. I love a good butterscotch sundae, but the one part I get iffy about is the nuts sprinkled on the whipped cream. Sometimes I'm all about them while others I want nothing to do with them. They usually win out, but are just an extra part that I don't need. These nuts do nothing to help simplify the sundae and allow me to enjoy the butterscotch. Moral of the story: I need fewer nuts in my life.

Struggle

Lately, things have been going really well. I'm learning to control my emotions to where I still experience them all, but only act on the positive ones. This has been a huge help to me and much better than any of the medication I was on.

However, not everything is so easy. The one issue I'm still dealing with is getting over Rachel. I told myself I could do it and it'd be easy, but seems to be proving otherwise. I never fully realized how deeply intrenched into my life she is. There are so many little things throughout a day that seemingly take me back to something about her. The feeling isn't one of depression, just an intense longing. Even this is a relatively positive feeling as it signifies the love we shared. This has been difficult though, as I'm dealing with the fact she appears to no longer be in love with me. Judging by her last post, I am a thing of her past to be left there along with other memories. She has so many wonderful things going for her and ahead of her and I don't want to stand in the way of that. I no longer expect responses to my texts or that and that's okay; I don't really need them. I just need to get out what I have to say.

I truly wish her the best and feel there are so many other men out there that are better for her than I ever could be, but something inside me won't let go. It's not necessarily bringing me down, but is rather inconvenient considering her wishes. I'm still not clear on what those are, but I've gotten the general idea that I'm all but out of her life. I feel this is another one of those damn things that supposedly get better with time, but that's always an excuse for "it's not easy". Plus living in each moment makes days seem a lot longer than before.

I feel I'm supposed to give up on Rachel, but I don't know how. She remains my favourite person ever. I know that even if we had some major falling out and hadn't talked in years, I would still drop what I was doing to help her. There is so much optimistic pessimism filling me in regards to this. The logical part of me is a constant reminder that I need to let go as per her wishes, while my emotional side is forever connected to her in love. A love that has yet to diminish despite how hurt I should be and have been from this. Unfortunately, this love is as I told her before. It still grows everyday. I know she told me not to wait for her. I feel that's a nice way of saying "please move on". I don't know how. I kind of want to do so to spare myself heartache when she does find that man who is better than me, Pearl Jam be damned. No matter how powerful my mind is becoming in determining my life, I can't seem to will myself to give up on Rachel. I dislike that I made mistakes within the relationship that could have easily been avoided or fixed, but have forgiven myself.

I now find myself lying in bed wondering if there will ever be a chance for me to show Rachel how I feel and what I've become and continue to grow towards. I wonder if it matters. I remind myself that I've gotten over girls before, granted nobody has ever meant this much to me. I remind myself that this will all take time. I give in to this hopelessness, realizing all this is out of my control. I remind myself there are many more women out there I have yet to meet. Yet all these thoughts are trumped by one feeling. Love for Rachel.

Fun?

I feel everything is going my way, that I can successfully do anything. I am filled with happiness and a carefree attitude I have been lacking for some time. It's amazing what realizing freedom can do for an individual. I am capable of anything I want to do. I will finish school this year with excellent grades. I don't have a problem that can't be solved or that can only be helped by Rachel. That was wildly unfair of me to think that. I now realize I did that because I wanted her to feel needed and wanted. There were so many other ways I could have done that which would have advanced our relationship. Just something to remember next time I decide to date. Although I realized how incredibly happy I could be as a single father raising a foster child today. We'll see. The future is a long way away, so I will cherish the present.

Love

I love that tonight felt like a Caribbean night with the warm, welcoming breeze whipping across my face, cooling me. While not the same, I was taken back there, tasting the salt on my lips while staring off the balcony into serene beauty. I greatly miss those days, but I feel alright about it. Something has been woken up inside of me. I'm ready now. I feel at home, but only within myself. Tonight made me feel twenty-two again, not so much older than I should. This simple breeze released me. I wish to hold onto this feeling, to remind myself that it is less than a year and I am free. Free to be me in happiness.

A Possible End

Last night was not what I was hoping for. Rachel telling me that we are over forever was a major surprise and it hurt to get it through text message. I figured something like that was worth at least a call. That aside, I reacted like a dick and I'm embarrassed about it. I was out of line, rude, and not what I expect from myself. I will eventually be able to inventory emotions before letting them loose.

After having some time to think things over, my resentment has died down severely but the pain lingers. It sucks for me, but at the same time, this is Rachel's wish meaning it must bring her happiness and that's all I could ask for. I wish more than anything I could provide that happiness and we could spend our lives together still, but I know she will make someone else's life too. Nobody can ever leave as positive a mark upon my life as Rachel has. She is perfect for me, I regret not being that for her. Regardless, I will always love her and I hope we can still be best friends and help each other through life.

Skipping

Stagnancy has never been something I enjoy. I don't enjoy sitting still, I don't enjoy repetition, it's not me. So why am I giving in now? Why am I waiting for Rachel to come back when she probably won't anytime soon if ever? Waiting is over. It's not good for me and only leads to more pain when I find out each day how much better off she is because I'm not there. I will never mean as much as her friends and that's how it is. They make her happy and I do occasionally, but usually am a nuisance due to my mental health. I will limit my exposure to her as she seems to enjoy that. While not quite the end yet, it seems to get closer each day.

I'm starting to feel 
We stay together out of fear 
Of dying alone

I've been slipping through the years
My old clothes don't fit like they once did
So they hang like ghosts of the people I have been

It's like my heart can't be tamed
And I fall in love every day
And I feel like a fool

I have to face the truth
That no one could ever look at me like you do
Like I'm something worth holding onto

There's times I think of leaving
But it's something I'll never do
Because you can do better than me
But I can't do better than you 

Gone?

It's not really moving on if you're the one left behind.

Alone

I need someone, a person to talk to
Someone who'd care, to love 
Could it be you? Could it be you? 

Situation gets rough, then I start to panic
It's not enough, it's just a habit
Hey kid you're sick
Well darling, this is it 

You can all just kiss off into the air
Behind my back I can see them stare
They'll hurt me bad but I won't mind
They'll hurt me bad, they do it all the time

Failure

I tried.

'Til I'm laid to rest
Always be depressed
There's no life in the West
I know the East is the best
All the propaganda they spread
Tongues will have to confess

Not certain

Today I will turn what is a sour situation into a positive one. Rachel has given up on me and us. This is no longer her problem. Instead of thinking over how miserable this is, I will try and continue onward. I am clearly a thing of the past for her now and I will act as such. This is not some sort of revenge where maybe she'll miss me. More giving what has been asked for. It will remain to be incredibly difficult for me, but it is a small sacrifice to give Rachel what she wants. Love is never easy, but always worth it. Supposedly.

Confused

I just never know. I hate playing this game called worst case scenario.