Struggle

Lately, things have been going really well. I'm learning to control my emotions to where I still experience them all, but only act on the positive ones. This has been a huge help to me and much better than any of the medication I was on.

However, not everything is so easy. The one issue I'm still dealing with is getting over Rachel. I told myself I could do it and it'd be easy, but seems to be proving otherwise. I never fully realized how deeply intrenched into my life she is. There are so many little things throughout a day that seemingly take me back to something about her. The feeling isn't one of depression, just an intense longing. Even this is a relatively positive feeling as it signifies the love we shared. This has been difficult though, as I'm dealing with the fact she appears to no longer be in love with me. Judging by her last post, I am a thing of her past to be left there along with other memories. She has so many wonderful things going for her and ahead of her and I don't want to stand in the way of that. I no longer expect responses to my texts or that and that's okay; I don't really need them. I just need to get out what I have to say.

I truly wish her the best and feel there are so many other men out there that are better for her than I ever could be, but something inside me won't let go. It's not necessarily bringing me down, but is rather inconvenient considering her wishes. I'm still not clear on what those are, but I've gotten the general idea that I'm all but out of her life. I feel this is another one of those damn things that supposedly get better with time, but that's always an excuse for "it's not easy". Plus living in each moment makes days seem a lot longer than before.

I feel I'm supposed to give up on Rachel, but I don't know how. She remains my favourite person ever. I know that even if we had some major falling out and hadn't talked in years, I would still drop what I was doing to help her. There is so much optimistic pessimism filling me in regards to this. The logical part of me is a constant reminder that I need to let go as per her wishes, while my emotional side is forever connected to her in love. A love that has yet to diminish despite how hurt I should be and have been from this. Unfortunately, this love is as I told her before. It still grows everyday. I know she told me not to wait for her. I feel that's a nice way of saying "please move on". I don't know how. I kind of want to do so to spare myself heartache when she does find that man who is better than me, Pearl Jam be damned. No matter how powerful my mind is becoming in determining my life, I can't seem to will myself to give up on Rachel. I dislike that I made mistakes within the relationship that could have easily been avoided or fixed, but have forgiven myself.

I now find myself lying in bed wondering if there will ever be a chance for me to show Rachel how I feel and what I've become and continue to grow towards. I wonder if it matters. I remind myself that I've gotten over girls before, granted nobody has ever meant this much to me. I remind myself that this will all take time. I give in to this hopelessness, realizing all this is out of my control. I remind myself there are many more women out there I have yet to meet. Yet all these thoughts are trumped by one feeling. Love for Rachel.