Yay Pain!

Why is it that when things start to go well, I'm brought back into a lengthy of backlash? I am so close to having my shit together and now life wants to return me back to hell. I am once again miserable, just short of suicidal again. The old urges are there, but I am fighting them and trying to fix myself. I am able to do this on my own. I am able to be happy on my own. It's when other people get involved that shit goes wrong. So I want to leave everyone that pretends to know me behind. I'm tired of this shit. I hate that nobody is willing to put in the time and effort to nurture a true relationship. Nobody knows why I do things. Nobody seems to care. Pat just does what he does evidently. I'm sick of being alone when I'm with other people. I'm sick of people being fake. I'm sick of considering being something I'm not. I'm sick of having to pretend to be happy. I'm sick of life. And instead of taking my own, I will simply have to start another for myself. I wonder if anyone would actually miss me? I feel like Rachel could, but I don't know anymore. She seems to have more going for her now that I'm out of the picture. Nothing like pretending I'm not still in love with her so we can be friends. Or her having to go right after I say something that, without explanation, seems like I want nothing to do with her. Go me. Go life. Time to go away.