Scrubs

Scrubs, you speak to me in a way few shows can. Thank you for that. I needed it.

Goodbye

I was telling myself over and over to not bother to write about what happened last night with Rachel, to act like it wasn't worth my time, but I can't. I still love her. I need to vent.

Last night, Rachel broke our streak of silence with the infamous, "You're not getting your knife back," response. I saw that coming, but didn't expect to actually hear from her considering how little we talk anymore. She doesn't really want to talk to me and I was giving her space. So then it created a string of back and forth texts that got relatively nasty, mainly on my side. I'm tired of not being trusted by her with my knife. It's very frustrating. But in my frustration, I said many things that I had been thinking, but never vocalized towards her about the way she's been acting of late. Evidently though, this is the real her. Granted, I'm not the only one that has noticed this change in behaviour. So I don't know what to make of it, but I'm sick of getting hurt. That being the case, I a couple words that I knew would get her pissed so that we wouldn't talk anymore. To stop talking isn't what I want with Rachel, but, judging by her newest blog, it is most certainly what's best for her. And that's all I could ever want. I want her to be free from the tyranny that is me and enjoy her life. Now I just need to stop crying. There's no point to it.

Strangers

A stranger has made my day. Four really. To destress, I went to go play guitar at the observatory. Since the handle of my case is broken, I used a guitar strap and just carried the guitar alone. So on my way too and from playing, I played. While at the observatory, a couple younger than me visibly slowed down and stayed a little to listen to me play. Generally, I would either stop playing or else quiet myself. This time, I just kept going. I was really into and confident of my music. Which is extra surprising as I was improving blues at the time, not even a set piece. More people walked by and smiled, but that one really left an impression. They were genuinely pleased to hear me playing. I haven't had that in a long time.

Finally, on the way back home, I was fiddling around with the first song I ever wrote. Two bikers rode by and each had a big smile on their face and told me it sounded very nice. I was ecstatic! I miss guitar. Now is a good time to play more. Get back into it. I mean, I live for music, so it only makes sense. This was a good session. I can't wait to see what tomorrow's brings me.

Leaving

While smoking with Matt and Mike today, Matt commented on how he wished he was on a plane going somewhere as we watched one fly overhead. It was in that moment that I realized how nice it would be to finally be out of this city. I know I go through phases where I want nothing more than to run away, but this time I really meant it. I will do my one year of hard time and finally rid myself of all this pain. I will get away from Sigma Nu, from Valpo, from Indiana, and enjoy my life. My cancers will be a thing of the past. I will find people who enjoy life and want to share that with others. People who are comfortable with themselves. People who can honestly love and be loved. Until that day, I am stuck here. I will prevail. I have to.

Swap

Hahahahahaha. The tag team is evidently on. I saw this coming and it has fully embraced itself now. I so badly want to be surprised at how pathetic this is, but I can't be. Oh well. Not my problem.

Life

Take care of your life, and your life will take care of you. Cherish each moment. Waste nothing. Pursue pure enjoyment.

Home

Driving tonight with my windows down, I was again overcome with that sensation of being home. Not home as in where I was born, but my true home, the Caribbean. I felt at ease. Feeling that take over me is something I can't describe. I was waiting for the smell of the ocean to follow and whisk me away with it. I was at peace. I was home, even if just for the drive.

I also have to thank Pete "Modern Messiah" Yorn for providing exceptional backing tracks for this experience. It's hard to believe I've had all this in front of me for so long and never fully known. Awareness heightened, I now see my path.

Deja Vu

I have literal and, I suppose, situational deja vu bombarding me currently. Frankly, it's all a little creepy. But, at the same time, I see an immense amount of humour in it, as I've already done all this. Therefore, I am determined to have a renewed confidence with life. Chances are, nothing can or will come at me that I haven't seen before. At least something similar. This "been there, done that" type of mentality will be especially helpful now and next year. Sure, I'm afraid of doing poorly in my classes, but more so excited to prove myself again. And not to anyone but myself. I know I can do this. All I need to do is evaluate everything in front of me and do what's best. I got this.

Ooooooooo

The lightning tonight has been amazing.

Rant

I told myself this wouldn't happen, but I don't know what to do about it. I am stuck being madly in love with Rachel no matter what I do or try. Someone like her cannot be replaced, or at the very least in extremely difficult. The care, concern, and love she showed me is so special. I'm a fool to have lost that. Sure, she is still around, but things between us are drastically different now. No longer am I a top priority or shown the affection I once was. I'm generally okay with change, or even embracing, but this seems so much different. Before there was always knowing that we'd try again. That we couldn't be pulled apart because of our amazing connection. Now I'm left realizing she really means it this time. There won't be an "again" for us. I want to hope that there will be, that I can prove myself and our love will work. But she said she doesn't love me that way anymore. I just don't know. I don't know what to do about this, as there is little to nothing that I can do. I suppose just stick around and see how things work out between us. Friends could work out well, but as far as I can tell, I'll always want more and just never act on it. Such is life.

One would think it'd be easier to give up when it's been made clear I'm the only one wanting this. But for whatever reason, I can't bring myself to do it. I still feel Rachel is so much better than anyone else. She's moved on, I should too. Telling myself this over and over is helping, but still difficult to swallow. I want so badly to stop loving her that way, but this will take time. I'm jealous of how quickly she lost it.

Confidence

I look damn good. I haven't felt this way in awhile. I'm glad it's back. I'm glad I'm back. This is my time.

Pile

When it rains, it pours. Today I went to look something up on Wikipedia and the random article of the day is, of course depression. Thanks guys. I needed that.

Then, I'm doing really well with Rachel and her being with other guys. Then what was "feel asleep at the apartment" becomes "spent the night with him". I need honesty. I want to be able to fully trust Rachel. I want to be there for her. I don't need to be protected. That hurts more than her spending the night with another guy. Just not by much. Then I called to make sure that she understood what I was saying and she didn't pick up. Who knows.

To de-stress, I went to go play guitar. It was going fairly well until I decide to head back. I picked up my case and it fell. Luckily the handle remained in my hand. So now my nice guitar case is broken. And I'm out of Arrested Development to watch. One of the things keeping me busy. 

Frankly, I don't know what to do anymore. I'm trying. I know that. Everything just seems to be for naught. Guess I'll just wait this out to see what happens.

Lost It

Just another typical night...

Saved message: 
Hey, what's up...Uh, I just lost it, at the end of the day I fucking lost it, i just blew up. my whole entire fucking apartment building, i told everyone to go fuck themselves. I just had a hard time today and uh, i don't know...

Calm down 
Deep breaths 
And get yourself dressed instead 
Of running around 
And pulling all your threads saying 
Breaking yourself up 

If it's a broken part, replace it 
But, if it's a broken heart then brace it 
If it's a broken heart then face it 

And hold your own 
Know your name 
And go your own way 
Hold your own 
Know your own name 
And go your own way 

And everything will be fine 
Everything will be fine 
mmmhmm 

Hang on 
Help is on the way 
Stay strong 
I'm doing everything 

Hold your own 
Know your name 
And go your own way 
Hold your own 
Know your name 
And go your own way 

And everything, everything will be fine 
Everything 

Are the details in the fabric 
Are the things that make you panic 
Are your thoughts results of static cling? 

Are the things that make you blow 
Hell, no reason, go on and scream 
If you're shocked it's just the fault 
Of faulty manufacturing. 

Yeah everything will be fine 
Everything in no time at all 
Everything 

Hold your own 
And know your name 
And go your own way 

Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own, know your name) 
Are the things that make you panic 
Are your thoughts results of static cling? (Go your own way) 

Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own, know your name) 
Are the things that make you panic (Go your own way) 
Is it Mother Nature's sewing machine? 

Are the things that make you blow (Hold your own, know your name) 
Hell no reason go on and scream 
If you’re shocked it's just the fault (Go your own way) 
Of faulty manufacturing 

Everything will be fine 
Everything in no time at all 
Hearts will hold 

New message: 
Yo what's up man? I uh, I don't know i just wanted to say that uh, everything's cool with me now, I mean i just think, I think I'll always be funky, can't stop being funky, but I guess we just deal with it how it comes, deal with the humps, take the jumps, I feel like you're an island of reality in an ocean of diarrhea. And I love you buddy. Okay. Bye.

After spending the better part of the night crying uncontrollably, I'm starting to get right. I thought this was over. I've been contemplating suicide again. I looked at myself in the mirror and lost it. I lied. The crying is not over. I need to do something.

I earned this

Now I get it. Now I know how it feels. Alright.

I don't know where it came from, but I've been depressed for the better part of two weeks. I didn't miss this. Not one bit. I will keep trying. It may feel like it's all for nothing, but supposedly that's what I'm supposed to do. Just keep going and life will get better. I am cautiously optimistic. Not really, but it sounds better than the truth.

This isn't good.

Wow

Last night certainly fulfilled the promise it had to be the strangest night ever. I kind of hate my life.

Random

This may just go down as the strangest day of my life.

Sweet...

There's nothing quite like hearing my roommates going at it to remind me just how lonely I am. I really want to cuddle. You know who you are.

Goodbye

The time has come to part ways. It's been a good run. Three years more or less. It's just that after the way yesterday went, things clearly aren't the same. She's been great to me, for sure, but I can't keep doing this. It's a lot of work. And I don't usually mind as, historically, it's been worth it. But this is it. Despite this being a very recent decision, I've already started looking around again. I do feel wrong for doing so, but I can't help it. I feel like this is something anyone would do. No sense in wallowing around. Mourning is good and healthy, but I have too much to do for that. Last night with the new one was good. Today is looking to be much the same. So it's official now. I will try to piece everything back together. I don't want to hold on, but I must. Sentimentality always gets the best of me. But frankly, things are pretty much over. I love you and will miss you. I've talked to a lot of my friends about it and they all agree. This just isn't worth saving. There are so many more fish in the sea. That's not even including oceans. So, goodbye. Thank you for everything Goldilocks.

Humor

More than anything, I am amused. Amid the absurdity, confusion, and contradictions, I take more humor out of situations than anything. I call that an important first step. Now to get life to make sense...

Valpo...bleh

I am not looking forward to getting back to Valpo for two days. As I was driving up Thursday, I realized just how much I despise it. There is nothing there for me. I go, hang out with my family, they go to bed early, and I'm left with nothing to do. Brandon is usually working and Rachel's got shit to do. So I am left to amuse myself for quite sometime since I can't sleep until late. Just Sunday and Monday night. I can do it. Then I'm restored to Indy, which isn't much better, but at least I have people who care about me down there without early bedtimes.

Stuck in my head

Well, I know that it is freezing 
But I think we'll have to walk
Keep waving at the taxis 
They keep turning their lights off
But Julie knows a party 
At some actor's West Side loft
Supplies are endless in the evening 
By the morning they'll be gone

When everything is lonely 
I can be my own best friend
Get a coffee and the paper 
Have my own conversations
With the sidewalk and the pigeons 
And my window reflection
The mask I polish in the evening 
By the morning looks like shit

And I know you have a heavy heart
I can feel it when we kiss
And many men stronger than me 
Have thrown their backs out trying to lift it
But me, I'm not a gamble 
You can count on me to split
The love I sell you in the evening 
By the morning won't exist

You're looking skinny like a model 
With your eyes all painted black
Keep going to the bathroom 
Always say you'll be right back
Well, it takes one to know one, kid 
I think you've got it bad
But what's so easy in the evening 
By the morning's such a drag

I've got a flask inside my pocket 
We can share it on the train
And if you promise to stay conscious 
I will try and do the same
Yeah, we might die from medication 
But we sure killed all the pain
But what was normal in the evening 
By the morning seems insane

And I'm not sure what the trouble was 
That started all of this
The reasons all have run away 
But the feeling never did
It's not something I would recommend 
But it is one way to live
Because what is simple in the moonlight 
By the morning never is

Yeah, it was simple in the moonlight 
Now it's so complicated
It was so simple in the moonlight
So simple in the moonlight
So simple in the moonlight 

Changes

As expected, awesome. I could get used to this.

Leaving everything behind has been rewarding too. No sense in letting all this pettiness get in the way of my happiness. Removing my connections to selfish motives, both of myself and others, can only open up a loving environment. That is what is important. Also, getting rid of a lot things that I have will also help cleanse me. I will limit the negative bullshit as much as I can. Simplify my life. Consolidate everything. I know I don't have a lot of friends, but getting rid of those fringe friends, the leeches, and the selfish ones will make a huge difference. And an amazing one at that.

The final thing I need to do is go to sleep at normal times. That'll be a team effort.

Boom!

This is going to be awesome. I cannot wait.

Decision

Wonderment aside, I realize that I cannot turn nothing into something. This is a chronic issue I have and now is a great time to stop doing so. Wasting time and effort is not okay anymore. Things are what they are and I need to see them as such. Illusions of grandeur will not suffice. While nothing is black and white, I have plenty of room to get rid of the grey. Grey is depressing. I don't need anymore depressing than what I already have. Shape up or ship out? Something like that.

Curious

Sometimes, I seriously wonder. Today is one of those days.

Interesting...

I find myself meandering through life. I am very antisocial lately. I went over to Snu tonight to get some papers I needed to finish a class and ended up staying there all night. I had an alright time up until the end when I got to sit and talk with one of the new guys, Mr. Josh Slusher. Despite his being upset with me for blowing our date to go see Up, we had an excellent conversation on the porch over hookah. These are the kind of interactions I yearn for. Sitting, talking, sharing ideas, learning about each other. Why this can't happen to me more often, I don't know. But perhaps this will dissuade me from becoming a hermit as I have been contemplating lately. In three days, I have left the house four times. I am lame, but getting massive amounts of work done. I'm miserable while doing it, but it needs to be done. I finally seem to be getting my confidence back in my writing. I hope that stays. I hope things work out for me and I can shake this soon. Getting through this rough patch is very important to me. I need to know that I can do this. I need to know I have the strength. I need to know I'm not always alone.

Rachel

It was wonderful seeing and being with Rachel again. I wish I knew what is going on with my mood though. I sincerely hope it didn't put a damper on what was otherwise a great time getting to be with her. I miss(ed) so much about her. It's unbelievable. We still have a long way to go, but it can be done.