Thinking

After some thought, I think I get/got insecure about Rachel's past because I wished I was part of it. I was just jealous that those other guys got to be where I most certainly could have been and would loved to have been. Knowing just how wonderful she is and how much I love her is what made that difficult. Knowing I could have totally done that but so much better. Plus, literally spending my entire life with her would be awesome and something I always wish I had. Regardless of what Rachel says about her as a child, I know I would like her. Rachel is just a naturally amazing individual of upstanding character. You can't learn her inner beauty. I will just have to settle for being with the most amazing woman I will ever know for the rest of my life. The late start wasn't ideal, but better late than never.

Oh Rachel

You are too good. I can't seem to get enough of her and miss her the second she's out of sight. Every time I'm with her, I seem to fall in love again. Rachel is perfect for me and will make the most amazing wife. There was some commercial on TV tonight with a bunch of babies (I had no sound so I don't know what it was for) and it reminded me of her. She will be a great mother to our kids and make me proud to call her my wife. I simply cannot wait.

Devendra

Great song/album:

(Who do you love?)

The lover you can't forget

(Who do you love?)

Or the lover you haven't met

Couple Things

First and foremost, I greatly miss Rachel. She's too good not to be missed.

Secondly, I hate the media. All this coverage of Tiger Woods is, while intriguing, not worth anyone's time. Why delve deeper into another's personal life than one would let anyone into theirs? To make manners worse, there's all this dramatic talk of "he was perfect, now what" and "what kind of legend do we have to admire now?" bouncing around. Really? Who truly idolizes athletes and how does one go about measuring this idolatry and reverence? I think the media is making this a big deal, as they do with most things, when it's nothing. This is a man whose life is breaking apart and ESPN and TMZ want us along for every development! No thank you. Tiger Woods was never a role model. He threw constant fits on the golf course, swears like a sailor on the course, and is clearly a selective prick in all his interviews. In the end, he is human and always has been. Whether or not one sees it depends on how far up the ass one's head has gone. For most people, it seems to have gone pretty far.

School

Dear School,

I know I am technically paying to attend you. But honestly, fuck you.

Cordially, Patrick Mullins

And repeat...

I am eagerly awaiting the apocalypse. It must be eminent, as the sky seems to be falling. Rachel can't do this anymore and I don't care. I've been here before. Being the one who doesn't care, it is my job to do nothing other than be the antagonist. Therefore, I will continue my role.

I wonder if this is one of those "if only we had just actually talked, things would have been so much different" issues or a "'I was completely out of line' 'No, I was'" issue. Or if this is finally over. Only time will tell.

And repeat

This kind of thing gets really old. Here we are going over something that is not worth our time. It strikes me as alarming that we are not on the same page. Who would have thought that different people would have different views and opinions? This argument is exactly why I don't want to move in with Rachel. We have a long way to go before we're ready for that if we ever reach that point. I don't have the time or energy to deal with any extra aggravation. I don't care how unfair this may be of me. I need to be concerned with, and take care of, me. Rachel can take care of herself, she's a big girl.

What now?

I do believe this is the point in my life in which I sit down and try to figure out what is going on. However, I don't have the time to really do that successfully. Therefore, I will continue about my merry way. At least some of my professors and friends think I'm doing the right thing. Or are at least interested in it. Either way, I'll consider that a victory.

I'm only 23 with a lot of life to live. I should start treating it that way.

Exhaustion

I am completely exhausted in every way shape and form. My mind has completely shut down for the time being. I need a break more than anything. Luckily for me, I don't have one coming until after finals are over. Even then, I have to finish some of my incomplete classes. Right now, the fetal position sounds like my best option. Just curl up and stay that way until everything is over. However, I will not give in to the stress and work. I will continue to prove I can be a successful student. I am certain I am not the only one that feels this way, but I'm certain I am within a minority that can suffer dire consequences should this get out of hand. I will persevere. I will succeed. And perhaps at some point I'll get a break.

Dear life, please stop harassing me. I would like to sleep, so take your headache with you.

Like Whoa!

And then it was all, like, BOOM! Hot damn do I love this girl.

Home Again

I really miss Rachel. Especially getting to share a bed with her. There's nothing like a kiss - given, received, or shared - in the middle of the night. I can't wait to have that again. She is something I will certainly be givings thanks for come Thanksgiving. There are other things too, but they shall have their own time. Rachel is special enough she gets her own. So there!

Eh, fuck it. Not worth it.

Timing

This could not have happened at a worse time. I did not need this on top of my depression peeking it's ugly head out. I don't get why she felt the need to say that. Who knows if she'll actually talk to me tonight. One would hope so considering I'll be gone all weekend for frisbee. Either way, that really hurt and she seemed to think it was funny at the time. No repeats.

LOVE!

God and Evil

This class is kicking my ass. I'm doing really well in it as far as I know, but damn. It's everything else about it that is dominating me. This paper was due at 6PM, but I can't stop rewriting it, perfecting it. I doubt I even did what I was supposed to do with it. But a few anxiety attacks later, I don't really care. I am putting a lot into this and it's not even that big a deal grade wise. This is more than a reflection, this is taking two works and creating my own. This is my answer to theodicy at this time. This a masterpiece.

Why?

There's a cold rift there. For sure. I can't make sense of any of this.

And why did I keep hyperventilating last night as though I was being smothered? Honestly, what is wrong with me?

Hiding

I think it's time I go into hiding again. I find myself ruining/diminishing my life and those around me. I need to stop doing so. I need to go away. I also need to make sure I don't end up hurting myself along the way. Considering how I feel and my emotional state, that could be a very real possibility in the future. I can and will take care of myself. I am not someone else's responsibility.

Just realized a major issue. Last year, when something happened, I could walk down to see Malcolm or he'd come to me. What would I do this year?

The P's

I do enjoy hanging out with my parents. I love it when they come to visit.

True intentions will never be known. Never be asked. Only assumed.

Tonight

I hope tonight goes as well as I had planned. It's going to be a long ass day again, but that's to be expected. I'm kind of glad I won't see Rachel, but that's neither here nor there. Granted her present has died and the other has yet to get here. Meh. But that was just one more thing on the list to further wear me out. Should be good!

Also, nothing better than studying to my new vinyl.

The Past

I'm over the past, why can't it just go away? It doesn't matter. It serves no real purpose. And now it's supposedly getting in the way of Rachel's being happy. Awesome. I have no idea what to do in this situation, whether she wants me close or distanced. I wish she would just talk to me and articulate how she's feeling and what would help. Leaving me in the dark does nothing.

Learning

because cutting is not coping

I think it might be time.

Normal

Things could not get any stranger at this point in my life. I am almost certain of this. Normal. All I want.

I am left even more confused than before and I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. I'm certain this will result in more hiding. Advice from therapy be damned. I'm hiding. It's not right or good, but comfortable and easy.

Gone Missing

I suppose I was due to go missing at some point. Not sure why now is the time, but it seems to be so. I don't really enjoy or want to be around people. Just not really making me happy. I want to get out and do things, but unfortunately, others are usually involved with those activities. I am not looking forward to tomorrow at all. Today sucked. I don't enjoy speech and debate. I really don't. I'm only in it for Crawford and Mae. Oh well. I just need to stick it out.

I wonder how long this feeling will last. I suppose I will find out eventually. But until then, goodbye world.

Faking

I guess pretending to be normal can only get me so far. I will still collapse mentally from time to time. I want to be normal. I want to be boring. I want to stop thinking like this.

Loooooong Weekend

Very excited to go climbing again. I love getting time with Pete too. However, I'm going to greatly miss Rachel. Having had her company for the past week has been extraordinary. I can't say enough good about it and her.

Welcome Back

I missed this feeling. A lot. Let's keep it around. We can.

New Neighbour?

Why hello West Nile Virus, welcome to the neighbourhood. That was a lovely little brochure to find in the morning. But it was nice to go to bed a decent time and wake up early. Like 8AM early. On my own. Yeah. Let's keep this up.

Dear Rachel...

It's been nice getting to see you again, but I'd appreciate it if you'd stay out of my dreams. I get it. I want to see you and you'll never really go away. Okay. But just give me some more time. Thank you.

Love, Patrick

Chaos!

This is getting out of hand. I am incredibly confused and concerned with my life. I don't really know what's going on. I need to restore order. I will.

"to know her is to love her"

Uhoh

Well this is getting disappointing. Now that time has passed, Katie is revealing herself as a bit of a downer which is nothing I need. I can handle her neediness, but this could be a deal breaker. We'll see how things go.

Resurrected

I have not felt this positive in a long time. I feel rejuvenated after this weekend. My mind is sharper than ever. I have faith in myself. I did things I didn't know I could. I pushed myself and it felt good. There are people who are pulling for me. Those who, even when I can't see them, are hoping for the best for me. The Red could be a turning point in my life. I truly believe in this. I hope this is something that lasts. I will let it play itself out.

I need to thank Pete, Malcolm, both Andrews, Alex, Chris and Rachel, Melissa, Sarah, Anthony, and Danny. Some of the greatest and most supportive individuals I have ever met. Thank you for this weekend.

BuhBye

I'm going to miss Lynn. Her birthday party was yesterday and she's going to be adopted in September. Mae plans on staying off the list for a bit too. I will have no babies to hang out with. Oh well. I'll just have to talk to my teammates more.

Having Anthony back was good. The more people I have around here, the better.

Fall off

Wow. Master of Disaster. She truly is the evolution of self-doubt and insecurity.

I like where I'm at. This weekend will we awesome. Hanging out with Pete and Malcolm out at the Red. I look forward to this.

Solid Weekend

This weekend went quite well. Frisbee was a lot of fun, in spite of not having any close friends there. My guys from Wright State were, as always, incredibly friendly and helpful. It's nice to know that even if we don't really know each other that well, we can just relax and be ourselves. That's how life should be.

The team lost all three games, but winning the All-Star game was exciting. Along with winning a new light-up frisbee. Getting picked for people's fantasy team was hilarious and so much fun. Needs to happen more.

I loved getting to spend time with Katie. I may have been in an incredible amount of pain, as I still am, from frisbee, but it still felt good. Her family was incredibly nice and evidently I left a good impression upon them. Always helps to be yourself I suppose. Minus having to wear a kufi the entire time due to my ridiculous tan/burn line.

Driving back today was beautiful. I throughly enjoyed myself. Normally, getting lost would piss me off, but I loved it. I just kept driving. I had little idea where I was, but just kept going and made my way home. I hope everyone involved in the accident that resulted in my detour is alright.

Getting back and checking my email and everything, I realized how little I need this. The only worthwhile thing was an email from Dan about his dad. He suffered his second stroke and is in hospice. Seeing Dan's wise words about the frailty of life really rung through to me. I need to finally get ahold of him and Courtney. Perhaps Tim too. These people left an impact on me, helped to change my life for the better, and I can't just let them go away. I feel a need to remind them what they mean to me. My heart goes out to Dan during this time.

Love?

When I told Rachel I'd never love anyone as much as her, I meant it. Looking back, I feel that sentiment will hold true. There is no way I could ever give up so much of myself for anyone again. I will never love that much. I can't. I don't have it in me anymore. I, somewhat, feel terrible for that. I want to be able to love fully again, but I don't believe it's possible. I don't know where this will lead me, or the true long-term ramifications, but it is quite interesting to consider.

Moving On

After two years of something, it seems Rachel and I have finally decided to go our separate ways. Not necessarily under good terms, or any terms at all. I suppose I was just finally too much to deal with and she was too much for me. We were not all bad times, but those do seem to win out. Nothing ever went right there. Oh well. I have a lot of life to look forward to and I intend to make the most of it.

Aggravation

What in God's name does it take for Rachel to leave me the fuck alone. Honestly, what more do I need to say? I will say whatever it takes to get you out of my life. I'm trying to rid us of each other once and for all. Just let this happen. Please. You've never been good for me and I've never been good for you. Learn for once.

Way to Be

Never has anyone ruined my life as much as Rachel has. First the two worst years of my life from just about every standpoint and now this. Nobody else can ruin a great day so quickly. I guess having me suicidal for a year just wasn't enough.

Last Night

So last night...

As I was talking to Pete on the internet about how his friend hadn't called him back, I said I wished I had friends. At that moment, Chapnasty texts me. It was on. Kind of. We couldn't think of anything to do. The kids were having a night of loud debauchery and we wanted nothing to do with that. So we went for a walk around campus. On this walk, we found my friend Dustin who had just left his party because he was taking shit for not making his move on some girl who had to leave with her friends. Lap dances were involved for her locking herself in his bathroom. Nothing surprises me. So Chris and I go with him back to his house and hang out there. Good collection of people, some I knew, some I didn't. However, Brooks is Dustin's roommate. So I got to catch up with him. During the entire time we're there, Chris is texting his girlfriend who is mad at him for no real reason and just going on and on about how he's breaking her heart and she's crying in bed and such. Chris was visibly frustrated and knew he could do nothing. Evidently, he was a liar regardless. So after about an hour or two and several beers, Chris and I decide that I need to eat. So we walk back to SNu, get my bike, steal one for him, and ride to Qdoba. Driving simply was not an option. We see some friends there, talk to them then get in line right before a herd of bar folk get there. However, some sneak in front of us and one keeps calling us Stranger Danger. She was a lovely person. We make friends with her buddy who is behind us and I get my breakfast burrito. We hang out outside and eat on a curb. This is where I meet the first black man to ever like hockey. He yells out "YEAH BLACKHAWKS!" due to my shirt and fist pounds me, skips Chris, and goes on yelling and jumping down the sidewalk. Phenomenal. Then as we're getting ready to go back to the bikes, Stranger Danger comes back out, sees us, then yells that again. We chat with her friend for awhile then head our separate ways. Riding home, we pass this girl walking on the sidewalk and she asks us for a ride while we're going full speed and Chris yells out, "Sorry Kenzie." She then yells out, "How do you know me?" followed shortly by, "I hate you!" I could not stop laughing. It was a beautiful thing. So instead of going home, we decided to drop back by Dustin's, where he is beyond gone and hang out there before heading back to SNu. Once we got there, we smoked with Scott and Pruitt for a bit, then went to bed. It was great. We both agree that we need to do that again.

Excitement!

Legit, tonight was the most fun I've had in awhile. More on this when I wake up. Right now, I need to sleep.

Change

Today is my last day of Spanish and I could not be happier about that. Having all my classes in english again will be wonderful. I miss understanding all of it.

Tomorrow, Katie moves back to Cincinnati. I knew this would happen and as my parents asked me, I wonder why I can't just find a girlfriend who lives near me.

I'm very excited that Rachel got into her program. She's going to do a great job. However, finding out she may have cancer certainly put a damper on my night. As much as I'd love to be emotionally disconnected from her, I still care an awful lot. I hope everything comes out perfect and she doesn't have cancer or have to deal with any pain. She's still a wonderful person and only deserves the best. Secretly, I kind of miss her.

I almost cut my foot off with an axe a couple days ago. Luckily I didn't and I just have a cut and probably a broken bone. I hope it heals in time for the frisbee tournament next weekend. My mother was thrilled to see and hear that when she came down yesterday on her way to her "Sisters' Weekend" in Nashville. It's been nice seeing my family more.

I believe that I like the way things are going. I will do all I can in my month off before the fall semester to prepare myself to succeed. As always, nothing will come easy and I need to be ready for that.

I realized last night that I don't really look into the future that much anymore. I can't. I don't know why, but I lost the ability to do so. I now realize each day is a battle and I can't really take anything for granted. I don't know how things will turn out. I have no idea. I suppose I always loved a good surprise.

Oooomar!

I missed my boy Omar. Tonight was a blast. Just sitting around talking for three hours. I'm glad he'll be in Indy next year. We'll get to smoke, hang out, and get back to Muslim Posse status. Holla!

Awkward!

Oh life, you're silly. This is a message I received today from a former high school classmate:

So, I don't know that I ever talked to you in high school, but you were definately in my dream last night. We met at some concert and then walked along a boardwalk by the ocean....?

Pretty much the most random thing ever. I'm glad technology allowed me to share this with you lol

Valpo

First of all, the Alice in Wonderland trailer looks phenomenal and I am very excited for that to happen. Should be excellent.

Also, I'm looking forward to going to Valpo this weekend, even if it is for an emissions' test. It'll be nice to hang out with the family and Sean again. And I let Brandon and Omar know I'm going to be there ahead of time for once. Haha. Now I'll actually get to see them. It'll be great going out with them again. And I won't have to worry about running into Rachel while I'm there since she moved, which is relieving. I have enough space in Indy I don't have to concern myself with ever seeing her. I can't wait to sit around and talk with those two again. They both seemed very excited about it, as am I. It's nice to get away from Indy now and again. The two canoe trips I have coming up will be wonderful too. Woo!

Friendship

Helping Pete move his stuff out of the house made me realize how much I'm going to miss not having him around. These past two days have been awesome. I forgot what it's like to have a friend like that. Someone who really cares about me and what's going on in my life. Hanging out with everyone at Kite's was solid. Sitting around, smoking copious amounts of hookah, talking. This is the good life. This is what I've been looking for. The loyalty and love amongst us all is awesome. I wouldn't trade last night for anything. Nothing could have ruined that.

Also, today's workout was AWESOME! I've missed working out.

Happiness

Tonight was good. I enjoyed that Pete said he hadn't seen me looking this happy in a long time. It's true. That's a fact I can live with. Minus getting aggravated with Mike's immaturity, today was a really good day. Tomorrow is promising, what with the quality painting time Malcolm and I will get and the yard work to follow. Physical labor! Woo! Plus Katie gets back Monday. Solid. Thank you life, I'm glad we can get along so well now.

Bike rides!

After today's epic bike ride, I am beginning to think I should take one everyday. This is a really good feeling. Minus my legs. Worth the tradeoff.

Relaxed

Surround oneself with what makes one happy, remove that which does not. Do what is right.

I enjoy being relaxed, void of stressors and disappointment. Today's bike ride was wonderful. Everything is as it should be.

Victory!

Magic! Sparks! Love! Etcetera!

I call that my week. Haha.

Okay...

I'm not sure why Rachel felt the need to contact me yesterday. Who knows. I'm glad she's happy that I've found someone good for me and she's done the same. It was really awkward though when I kept closing out the box thinking she was done and then it kept popping up. Oh well.

I missed being happy and allowing myself to be. I could get used to this again. Never again will I take a vacation from being happy. I will be more aware of the people I associate myself with and how they affect me. Friends are good. Family is good. Lying to oneself is not.

Delusions

The Korean Zen master Hyunoong Sunim was holding a discussion at San Francisco Zen Center. A student asked him the reason human beings persist in habits that cause them harm, sometimes long after they have ceased to be pleasurable.

"In Christianity," answered Hyunoong Sunim, "this is known as original sin. In Buddhism, we call it delusion." He looked around the room. "Why is there delusion?"

He shrugged his shoulders and lifted both hands into the air. "No reason!"

At this he laughed heartily.

This could not be truer for me. I was in a perpetual cycle of unhappiness, trapped by my delusions of life. I refused to live, I was wrapped up in making guess as to what was next, what was true, what was important. I lost track of all that was. I could not live for each moment, as I was more concerned about where each moment would lead next. I have since let that go. I am making attempts to lose my delusions, to see and live life at the same time, not live now and look ahead. It's much better.

Greg's wedding was beautiful. Hearing him talk about Taryn Friday night was one of the greatest memories I have. Seeing him on the altar with her, recalling what he said almost brought me to tears, but I fought it off. Talking with everyone at the wedding and afterwards, I realized that Rachel and I were making a terrible mistake in ever thinking we could get married. That's just not the case. I always say her for what she could have been, never for who she was. That's no foundation for a true relationship.

However, I once again have a relationship. In no way, shape, or form did I expect this to work as it has. I figured one night make-out at most. However, things with Katie are wonderful. We spend a majority of the day laying in bed talking, cuddling, learning about each other. It doesn't seem like something I'd go for, but I very much enjoy it. Everything between us is very relaxed and natural. We don't really try, and I am never afraid of making a mistake. I don't really feel like I can with her. We more or less just understand the other and it's a beautiful and simple thing. I am greatly enjoying this.

Bachelor Party

Last night's bachelor party was tremendous. In true Sigma Nu fashion, we didn't go out, but rather made it a porch night and spent most of it talking. While I found out far more than I ever needed to know about interrelations at SNu, it was still a great time. Just a few brothers sitting around enjoying each other's company. Plus the trip to Qdoba at 4AM was totally worth it too. Delicious!

I did not expect that...

Well, well, well. That was a very unexpected surprise. After four years of flirting and acting disinterested, Katie and I finally let our guards down. Having spend fourteen hours in bed cuddling, talking, and sleeping, I'd say it was a success. I haven't been this interested in someone since Neena. The best part is that I'm not going to worry about this. I'm not going to postulate anything about her. I will just let things be as they are. And right now, they're wonderful.

Friends

I'm glad Frauhiger is in town for Greg's wedding. I haven't seen him in way too long. Getting to spend the night talking over hookah on the porch was splendid. Nothing could have ruined that. Nothing did.

I really wish I was always capable of sleeping normally. That would be cool. Cursed itching.

To Beard or Not To Beard...

Ahhhhhh! Decision! I hate being torn like this. I have my loyalties to both. Sure, I'd love to do the drag show again. But I also love my beard. I could do it with my beard and be a bag lady, but it's just not the same. Drat.

In other news, them hos will be hos. Can't change that.

I realized that I lived a fairly laid-back couple of decades to start my life, then I lost that. I'm getting that back. I need to. I started taking life too seriously and got locked up in the wrong kind of things in most aspects of my life. Starting today, I take control. I maintain the maturity I have, but will laugh more, live more, and make my own experiences. As far as I know, I live once. It's my life, my existence. I'm done sharing it, dedicating it, wasting it. That was a mistake. No more.

BOOM!

I am diggin Phineas and Ferb. Hardcore. I need more friends. Haha.

"What about the curse where you have bad beards for life" "You don't even have a chin!"

"That's a risk I'm willing to take."

Truth

The truth will set you free. Remove the illusions of your life. Stop. Concentrate. See life as it is.

The Real 4th

If I learned anything yesterday, it is that I cannot predict the future. Haha. My guesses as to my day were way off. I thought it would be decent at best and I'd go home early to sit alone and pout while thinking of Rachel. Not what happened. It was an awesome day minus two things: having to hear my roommates have sex again and waking up from a nap to have my stomach feel like I was being stabbed repeatedly. Other than that, amazing.

Going over to Snu was delayed, but totally worth it. I haven't gotten to spend that kind of brotherhood time with them in way too long. We sat around shooting the shit, drinking, and setting off fireworks. It's the simple things. Doesn't hurt that I dominated beer pong. I'm still impressed that entire 12 pack was gone with only giving away two beers. I never lost my touch. And didn't get drunk. I miss those times where I can just sit around with everyone and be myself. It was nice to have that again. Get a good group together and just sit and talk over some hookah and High Life. As the night started to wind down and Jori came over, it was a nice change of pace. I know we were both happy to see each other. Her spending the night was a pleasant surprise. Needless to say, I wasn't laying in bed thinking of how much I missed Rachel and that. Wishing she was the one next to me instead of Jori. Didn't happen. Rachel's got her new man now. She was the last thing on my mind. Missing her is not my problem anymore. I think I am finally cured. Thank you life. You're working your way back into my good graces. And thank you for reminding me what it's like to be wanted.

Strangers fucking love me. I have no idea why, but they always talk to me.

And I hate my roommates. You know I'm here. You know I'm awake. Yet you insist on having sex anyway. I disrespect both of you and can't wait to move out of here. I have yet to feel at home. I don't enjoy being a stranger in my own house.

The 4th

Today is the fourth. Two years ago I realized I was in love with the most amazing woman I'd ever met. A fun cookout at my grandparents' house. Three days later, 7/7/07, Rachel looked as good as I'd ever seen anyone and it was magnificent. I really appreciated how she went out of her way for me. I know I'm not supposed to, but remembering all this last night made me miss her incredibly so. That's not really anything new, but laying in bed unable to sleep and thinking about that made it worse. Tomorrow I will be busy hanging out with everyone at Snu. Once I head home though, I know my mind will be fluttering away.

But we need to live our lives. So, on this 4th of July, we celebrate our independence. She can clearly live without me and I will have to do the same. Regardless, I love you and miss you. I want to tell you. To call you. To hear your voice, although more than likely on the voicemail. But I want you to be happy. And you seem to be with Scott. So I won't bother you. I hope to see you again though dear.

Tonight

Holy shit. Tonight, while starting out rocky, is perfect. I can't believe it. I never realized how much I love that movie. Mainly because I don't really remember it. I wish I could remember movies better. Some stick, some don't.

And OMFG! Haha. The potential this thing has. I am so excited. Like giddy. I haven't been this happy in awhile. Who would have thought that a random conversation with Eric could have brought about this? I hope this movie gets done. I hope people can see my vision. I hope this changes lives. If it gets done, it will certainly change mine. I love you all. I love my friends. Without them, I wouldn't be possible. I can never thank them enough. But I will try.

Family

There is nothing quite as wonderful as a day out with the family. It was, as always, a great time. I'm glad I'll always have them on my side.

Mourning

Talking out the pain. That's what I'm doing. Hopefully this works. Because right now, while I hide everything well, it's still there. I'm in disbelief at how this is tearing me apart. How in the hell was Rachel so quick to get over all this? I realize her post made most of that clear, but I remain envious of her ability to get past all this. I so badly want to just man up, or whatever, and stop caring. I love her still. I know she doesn't think so, but I do. Just as much as ever. I'm going to miss her a lot. But I want her to be happy. And she's happy this way. So I will let her go. I believe this is what she wants, so she can have it. If I'm wrong, just let me know. I'll always be here.

It's kind of funny really. The last time I saw Rachel, we talked about this. How one of us will say something to create space between the two of us. Then we'll take a break from each other for awhile. Finally, we eventually hang out and fall for each other again. We laughed about it then. Only now, that final step can't ever happen. There's no point when only one of us wants that. I will come to accept that. I will stop wanting to talk to her, to see her, to spend time with her. Time heals all wounds.

Scrubs

Scrubs, you speak to me in a way few shows can. Thank you for that. I needed it.

Goodbye

I was telling myself over and over to not bother to write about what happened last night with Rachel, to act like it wasn't worth my time, but I can't. I still love her. I need to vent.

Last night, Rachel broke our streak of silence with the infamous, "You're not getting your knife back," response. I saw that coming, but didn't expect to actually hear from her considering how little we talk anymore. She doesn't really want to talk to me and I was giving her space. So then it created a string of back and forth texts that got relatively nasty, mainly on my side. I'm tired of not being trusted by her with my knife. It's very frustrating. But in my frustration, I said many things that I had been thinking, but never vocalized towards her about the way she's been acting of late. Evidently though, this is the real her. Granted, I'm not the only one that has noticed this change in behaviour. So I don't know what to make of it, but I'm sick of getting hurt. That being the case, I a couple words that I knew would get her pissed so that we wouldn't talk anymore. To stop talking isn't what I want with Rachel, but, judging by her newest blog, it is most certainly what's best for her. And that's all I could ever want. I want her to be free from the tyranny that is me and enjoy her life. Now I just need to stop crying. There's no point to it.

Strangers

A stranger has made my day. Four really. To destress, I went to go play guitar at the observatory. Since the handle of my case is broken, I used a guitar strap and just carried the guitar alone. So on my way too and from playing, I played. While at the observatory, a couple younger than me visibly slowed down and stayed a little to listen to me play. Generally, I would either stop playing or else quiet myself. This time, I just kept going. I was really into and confident of my music. Which is extra surprising as I was improving blues at the time, not even a set piece. More people walked by and smiled, but that one really left an impression. They were genuinely pleased to hear me playing. I haven't had that in a long time.

Finally, on the way back home, I was fiddling around with the first song I ever wrote. Two bikers rode by and each had a big smile on their face and told me it sounded very nice. I was ecstatic! I miss guitar. Now is a good time to play more. Get back into it. I mean, I live for music, so it only makes sense. This was a good session. I can't wait to see what tomorrow's brings me.

Leaving

While smoking with Matt and Mike today, Matt commented on how he wished he was on a plane going somewhere as we watched one fly overhead. It was in that moment that I realized how nice it would be to finally be out of this city. I know I go through phases where I want nothing more than to run away, but this time I really meant it. I will do my one year of hard time and finally rid myself of all this pain. I will get away from Sigma Nu, from Valpo, from Indiana, and enjoy my life. My cancers will be a thing of the past. I will find people who enjoy life and want to share that with others. People who are comfortable with themselves. People who can honestly love and be loved. Until that day, I am stuck here. I will prevail. I have to.

Swap

Hahahahahaha. The tag team is evidently on. I saw this coming and it has fully embraced itself now. I so badly want to be surprised at how pathetic this is, but I can't be. Oh well. Not my problem.

Life

Take care of your life, and your life will take care of you. Cherish each moment. Waste nothing. Pursue pure enjoyment.

Home

Driving tonight with my windows down, I was again overcome with that sensation of being home. Not home as in where I was born, but my true home, the Caribbean. I felt at ease. Feeling that take over me is something I can't describe. I was waiting for the smell of the ocean to follow and whisk me away with it. I was at peace. I was home, even if just for the drive.

I also have to thank Pete "Modern Messiah" Yorn for providing exceptional backing tracks for this experience. It's hard to believe I've had all this in front of me for so long and never fully known. Awareness heightened, I now see my path.

Deja Vu

I have literal and, I suppose, situational deja vu bombarding me currently. Frankly, it's all a little creepy. But, at the same time, I see an immense amount of humour in it, as I've already done all this. Therefore, I am determined to have a renewed confidence with life. Chances are, nothing can or will come at me that I haven't seen before. At least something similar. This "been there, done that" type of mentality will be especially helpful now and next year. Sure, I'm afraid of doing poorly in my classes, but more so excited to prove myself again. And not to anyone but myself. I know I can do this. All I need to do is evaluate everything in front of me and do what's best. I got this.

Ooooooooo

The lightning tonight has been amazing.

Rant

I told myself this wouldn't happen, but I don't know what to do about it. I am stuck being madly in love with Rachel no matter what I do or try. Someone like her cannot be replaced, or at the very least in extremely difficult. The care, concern, and love she showed me is so special. I'm a fool to have lost that. Sure, she is still around, but things between us are drastically different now. No longer am I a top priority or shown the affection I once was. I'm generally okay with change, or even embracing, but this seems so much different. Before there was always knowing that we'd try again. That we couldn't be pulled apart because of our amazing connection. Now I'm left realizing she really means it this time. There won't be an "again" for us. I want to hope that there will be, that I can prove myself and our love will work. But she said she doesn't love me that way anymore. I just don't know. I don't know what to do about this, as there is little to nothing that I can do. I suppose just stick around and see how things work out between us. Friends could work out well, but as far as I can tell, I'll always want more and just never act on it. Such is life.

One would think it'd be easier to give up when it's been made clear I'm the only one wanting this. But for whatever reason, I can't bring myself to do it. I still feel Rachel is so much better than anyone else. She's moved on, I should too. Telling myself this over and over is helping, but still difficult to swallow. I want so badly to stop loving her that way, but this will take time. I'm jealous of how quickly she lost it.

Confidence

I look damn good. I haven't felt this way in awhile. I'm glad it's back. I'm glad I'm back. This is my time.

Pile

When it rains, it pours. Today I went to look something up on Wikipedia and the random article of the day is, of course depression. Thanks guys. I needed that.

Then, I'm doing really well with Rachel and her being with other guys. Then what was "feel asleep at the apartment" becomes "spent the night with him". I need honesty. I want to be able to fully trust Rachel. I want to be there for her. I don't need to be protected. That hurts more than her spending the night with another guy. Just not by much. Then I called to make sure that she understood what I was saying and she didn't pick up. Who knows.

To de-stress, I went to go play guitar. It was going fairly well until I decide to head back. I picked up my case and it fell. Luckily the handle remained in my hand. So now my nice guitar case is broken. And I'm out of Arrested Development to watch. One of the things keeping me busy. 

Frankly, I don't know what to do anymore. I'm trying. I know that. Everything just seems to be for naught. Guess I'll just wait this out to see what happens.

Lost It

Just another typical night...

Saved message: 
Hey, what's up...Uh, I just lost it, at the end of the day I fucking lost it, i just blew up. my whole entire fucking apartment building, i told everyone to go fuck themselves. I just had a hard time today and uh, i don't know...

Calm down 
Deep breaths 
And get yourself dressed instead 
Of running around 
And pulling all your threads saying 
Breaking yourself up 

If it's a broken part, replace it 
But, if it's a broken heart then brace it 
If it's a broken heart then face it 

And hold your own 
Know your name 
And go your own way 
Hold your own 
Know your own name 
And go your own way 

And everything will be fine 
Everything will be fine 
mmmhmm 

Hang on 
Help is on the way 
Stay strong 
I'm doing everything 

Hold your own 
Know your name 
And go your own way 
Hold your own 
Know your name 
And go your own way 

And everything, everything will be fine 
Everything 

Are the details in the fabric 
Are the things that make you panic 
Are your thoughts results of static cling? 

Are the things that make you blow 
Hell, no reason, go on and scream 
If you're shocked it's just the fault 
Of faulty manufacturing. 

Yeah everything will be fine 
Everything in no time at all 
Everything 

Hold your own 
And know your name 
And go your own way 

Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own, know your name) 
Are the things that make you panic 
Are your thoughts results of static cling? (Go your own way) 

Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own, know your name) 
Are the things that make you panic (Go your own way) 
Is it Mother Nature's sewing machine? 

Are the things that make you blow (Hold your own, know your name) 
Hell no reason go on and scream 
If you’re shocked it's just the fault (Go your own way) 
Of faulty manufacturing 

Everything will be fine 
Everything in no time at all 
Hearts will hold 

New message: 
Yo what's up man? I uh, I don't know i just wanted to say that uh, everything's cool with me now, I mean i just think, I think I'll always be funky, can't stop being funky, but I guess we just deal with it how it comes, deal with the humps, take the jumps, I feel like you're an island of reality in an ocean of diarrhea. And I love you buddy. Okay. Bye.

After spending the better part of the night crying uncontrollably, I'm starting to get right. I thought this was over. I've been contemplating suicide again. I looked at myself in the mirror and lost it. I lied. The crying is not over. I need to do something.

I earned this

Now I get it. Now I know how it feels. Alright.

I don't know where it came from, but I've been depressed for the better part of two weeks. I didn't miss this. Not one bit. I will keep trying. It may feel like it's all for nothing, but supposedly that's what I'm supposed to do. Just keep going and life will get better. I am cautiously optimistic. Not really, but it sounds better than the truth.

This isn't good.

Wow

Last night certainly fulfilled the promise it had to be the strangest night ever. I kind of hate my life.

Random

This may just go down as the strangest day of my life.

Sweet...

There's nothing quite like hearing my roommates going at it to remind me just how lonely I am. I really want to cuddle. You know who you are.

Goodbye

The time has come to part ways. It's been a good run. Three years more or less. It's just that after the way yesterday went, things clearly aren't the same. She's been great to me, for sure, but I can't keep doing this. It's a lot of work. And I don't usually mind as, historically, it's been worth it. But this is it. Despite this being a very recent decision, I've already started looking around again. I do feel wrong for doing so, but I can't help it. I feel like this is something anyone would do. No sense in wallowing around. Mourning is good and healthy, but I have too much to do for that. Last night with the new one was good. Today is looking to be much the same. So it's official now. I will try to piece everything back together. I don't want to hold on, but I must. Sentimentality always gets the best of me. But frankly, things are pretty much over. I love you and will miss you. I've talked to a lot of my friends about it and they all agree. This just isn't worth saving. There are so many more fish in the sea. That's not even including oceans. So, goodbye. Thank you for everything Goldilocks.

Humor

More than anything, I am amused. Amid the absurdity, confusion, and contradictions, I take more humor out of situations than anything. I call that an important first step. Now to get life to make sense...

Valpo...bleh

I am not looking forward to getting back to Valpo for two days. As I was driving up Thursday, I realized just how much I despise it. There is nothing there for me. I go, hang out with my family, they go to bed early, and I'm left with nothing to do. Brandon is usually working and Rachel's got shit to do. So I am left to amuse myself for quite sometime since I can't sleep until late. Just Sunday and Monday night. I can do it. Then I'm restored to Indy, which isn't much better, but at least I have people who care about me down there without early bedtimes.

Stuck in my head

Well, I know that it is freezing 
But I think we'll have to walk
Keep waving at the taxis 
They keep turning their lights off
But Julie knows a party 
At some actor's West Side loft
Supplies are endless in the evening 
By the morning they'll be gone

When everything is lonely 
I can be my own best friend
Get a coffee and the paper 
Have my own conversations
With the sidewalk and the pigeons 
And my window reflection
The mask I polish in the evening 
By the morning looks like shit

And I know you have a heavy heart
I can feel it when we kiss
And many men stronger than me 
Have thrown their backs out trying to lift it
But me, I'm not a gamble 
You can count on me to split
The love I sell you in the evening 
By the morning won't exist

You're looking skinny like a model 
With your eyes all painted black
Keep going to the bathroom 
Always say you'll be right back
Well, it takes one to know one, kid 
I think you've got it bad
But what's so easy in the evening 
By the morning's such a drag

I've got a flask inside my pocket 
We can share it on the train
And if you promise to stay conscious 
I will try and do the same
Yeah, we might die from medication 
But we sure killed all the pain
But what was normal in the evening 
By the morning seems insane

And I'm not sure what the trouble was 
That started all of this
The reasons all have run away 
But the feeling never did
It's not something I would recommend 
But it is one way to live
Because what is simple in the moonlight 
By the morning never is

Yeah, it was simple in the moonlight 
Now it's so complicated
It was so simple in the moonlight
So simple in the moonlight
So simple in the moonlight 

Changes

As expected, awesome. I could get used to this.

Leaving everything behind has been rewarding too. No sense in letting all this pettiness get in the way of my happiness. Removing my connections to selfish motives, both of myself and others, can only open up a loving environment. That is what is important. Also, getting rid of a lot things that I have will also help cleanse me. I will limit the negative bullshit as much as I can. Simplify my life. Consolidate everything. I know I don't have a lot of friends, but getting rid of those fringe friends, the leeches, and the selfish ones will make a huge difference. And an amazing one at that.

The final thing I need to do is go to sleep at normal times. That'll be a team effort.

Boom!

This is going to be awesome. I cannot wait.

Decision

Wonderment aside, I realize that I cannot turn nothing into something. This is a chronic issue I have and now is a great time to stop doing so. Wasting time and effort is not okay anymore. Things are what they are and I need to see them as such. Illusions of grandeur will not suffice. While nothing is black and white, I have plenty of room to get rid of the grey. Grey is depressing. I don't need anymore depressing than what I already have. Shape up or ship out? Something like that.

Curious

Sometimes, I seriously wonder. Today is one of those days.

Interesting...

I find myself meandering through life. I am very antisocial lately. I went over to Snu tonight to get some papers I needed to finish a class and ended up staying there all night. I had an alright time up until the end when I got to sit and talk with one of the new guys, Mr. Josh Slusher. Despite his being upset with me for blowing our date to go see Up, we had an excellent conversation on the porch over hookah. These are the kind of interactions I yearn for. Sitting, talking, sharing ideas, learning about each other. Why this can't happen to me more often, I don't know. But perhaps this will dissuade me from becoming a hermit as I have been contemplating lately. In three days, I have left the house four times. I am lame, but getting massive amounts of work done. I'm miserable while doing it, but it needs to be done. I finally seem to be getting my confidence back in my writing. I hope that stays. I hope things work out for me and I can shake this soon. Getting through this rough patch is very important to me. I need to know that I can do this. I need to know I have the strength. I need to know I'm not always alone.

Rachel

It was wonderful seeing and being with Rachel again. I wish I knew what is going on with my mood though. I sincerely hope it didn't put a damper on what was otherwise a great time getting to be with her. I miss(ed) so much about her. It's unbelievable. We still have a long way to go, but it can be done.

Bleh

I feel like complete shit again, but that's to be expected. Not every day will be sunshine and unicorns. I will have days like today and just have to deal with it. So that's what I've done so far. It remains remarkably frustrating feeling I lead a meaningless life, but so what? Perhaps tomorrow will be better. It has the potential to make or break my week. We'll see which one it is.

Better

After a relatively rough day, I have made it out with a much better attitude. Primary thanks goes to Rachel for, as always, being there for me. She is a truly special person and I am so grateful to know her and have her in my life still. Also, thanks to fireworks, hookah, and friends for keeping me in touch with life. Lastly, I need to thank myself for not letting things get out of hand. I am quite pleased with myself for that and hearing Rachel echo those sentiments was wonderful. Tomorrow has a great deal of promise and I look forward to seeing what I can make of it.

Yay Pain!

Why is it that when things start to go well, I'm brought back into a lengthy of backlash? I am so close to having my shit together and now life wants to return me back to hell. I am once again miserable, just short of suicidal again. The old urges are there, but I am fighting them and trying to fix myself. I am able to do this on my own. I am able to be happy on my own. It's when other people get involved that shit goes wrong. So I want to leave everyone that pretends to know me behind. I'm tired of this shit. I hate that nobody is willing to put in the time and effort to nurture a true relationship. Nobody knows why I do things. Nobody seems to care. Pat just does what he does evidently. I'm sick of being alone when I'm with other people. I'm sick of people being fake. I'm sick of considering being something I'm not. I'm sick of having to pretend to be happy. I'm sick of life. And instead of taking my own, I will simply have to start another for myself. I wonder if anyone would actually miss me? I feel like Rachel could, but I don't know anymore. She seems to have more going for her now that I'm out of the picture. Nothing like pretending I'm not still in love with her so we can be friends. Or her having to go right after I say something that, without explanation, seems like I want nothing to do with her. Go me. Go life. Time to go away.

Fuck

Really not in a good mood today, no matter what I do. Awesome. Nothing like uncontrollable rage running through me. I wonder how long this episode will last and if it will ever give-in to my wishes?

Frustrated

Today my parents called just to yell at me. Nothing really gets me excited and in a good mood quite like that. Being told that I'm doing a really shitty job with school was quite the boost I was looking for going into next year. According to Sean, my dad is tempted to make me come home and go to a community college and have me work. Frankly, I'd like to see them fucking try. I will sooner ask for that money towards tuition, buy a plane ticket, and settle in Asia as a monk. That way I will not have to deal with them and their ignorance towards me and what's going on with me. They complain about not knowing anything with me when they never ask. Evidently calling when they're upset with me or there's a sporting event should warrant full details of my daily life. I highly doubt my parents know my life goal, why I started cutting, why I kept cutting, why I did so poorly in school, why I'm pissed with them, or care. I have purposely put distance between myself and them as no matter what I say in regards to myself, they are correct. Because they know me better than I do. I mean I am just avoiding responsibility for my life evidently. I almost applied for the Peace Corps today just so I could get the fuck out of here and not have to deal with them for two years or so. Get me in another country, cut off my communication, and give them some time to actually think about things. Yelling at me is not conducive to a conversation. That is not how you get things done. Yet they always miss this. My parents may have raised me, but that don't know the first thing about me and I'm sick of it. I want my independence from them. I will do whatever it takes, whatever hoops I have to jump through, regardless of how much it may set me back for the future. I'm tired of this bullshit with them. I don't want to see them this weekend. I don't want to ever go to Valpo again. I'm ready to cut my ties and have been for awhile.

Metaphor of the Day

A butterscotch sundae was presented to me today as the metaphor of the day. I love a good butterscotch sundae, but the one part I get iffy about is the nuts sprinkled on the whipped cream. Sometimes I'm all about them while others I want nothing to do with them. They usually win out, but are just an extra part that I don't need. These nuts do nothing to help simplify the sundae and allow me to enjoy the butterscotch. Moral of the story: I need fewer nuts in my life.

Struggle

Lately, things have been going really well. I'm learning to control my emotions to where I still experience them all, but only act on the positive ones. This has been a huge help to me and much better than any of the medication I was on.

However, not everything is so easy. The one issue I'm still dealing with is getting over Rachel. I told myself I could do it and it'd be easy, but seems to be proving otherwise. I never fully realized how deeply intrenched into my life she is. There are so many little things throughout a day that seemingly take me back to something about her. The feeling isn't one of depression, just an intense longing. Even this is a relatively positive feeling as it signifies the love we shared. This has been difficult though, as I'm dealing with the fact she appears to no longer be in love with me. Judging by her last post, I am a thing of her past to be left there along with other memories. She has so many wonderful things going for her and ahead of her and I don't want to stand in the way of that. I no longer expect responses to my texts or that and that's okay; I don't really need them. I just need to get out what I have to say.

I truly wish her the best and feel there are so many other men out there that are better for her than I ever could be, but something inside me won't let go. It's not necessarily bringing me down, but is rather inconvenient considering her wishes. I'm still not clear on what those are, but I've gotten the general idea that I'm all but out of her life. I feel this is another one of those damn things that supposedly get better with time, but that's always an excuse for "it's not easy". Plus living in each moment makes days seem a lot longer than before.

I feel I'm supposed to give up on Rachel, but I don't know how. She remains my favourite person ever. I know that even if we had some major falling out and hadn't talked in years, I would still drop what I was doing to help her. There is so much optimistic pessimism filling me in regards to this. The logical part of me is a constant reminder that I need to let go as per her wishes, while my emotional side is forever connected to her in love. A love that has yet to diminish despite how hurt I should be and have been from this. Unfortunately, this love is as I told her before. It still grows everyday. I know she told me not to wait for her. I feel that's a nice way of saying "please move on". I don't know how. I kind of want to do so to spare myself heartache when she does find that man who is better than me, Pearl Jam be damned. No matter how powerful my mind is becoming in determining my life, I can't seem to will myself to give up on Rachel. I dislike that I made mistakes within the relationship that could have easily been avoided or fixed, but have forgiven myself.

I now find myself lying in bed wondering if there will ever be a chance for me to show Rachel how I feel and what I've become and continue to grow towards. I wonder if it matters. I remind myself that I've gotten over girls before, granted nobody has ever meant this much to me. I remind myself that this will all take time. I give in to this hopelessness, realizing all this is out of my control. I remind myself there are many more women out there I have yet to meet. Yet all these thoughts are trumped by one feeling. Love for Rachel.

Fun?

I feel everything is going my way, that I can successfully do anything. I am filled with happiness and a carefree attitude I have been lacking for some time. It's amazing what realizing freedom can do for an individual. I am capable of anything I want to do. I will finish school this year with excellent grades. I don't have a problem that can't be solved or that can only be helped by Rachel. That was wildly unfair of me to think that. I now realize I did that because I wanted her to feel needed and wanted. There were so many other ways I could have done that which would have advanced our relationship. Just something to remember next time I decide to date. Although I realized how incredibly happy I could be as a single father raising a foster child today. We'll see. The future is a long way away, so I will cherish the present.

Love

I love that tonight felt like a Caribbean night with the warm, welcoming breeze whipping across my face, cooling me. While not the same, I was taken back there, tasting the salt on my lips while staring off the balcony into serene beauty. I greatly miss those days, but I feel alright about it. Something has been woken up inside of me. I'm ready now. I feel at home, but only within myself. Tonight made me feel twenty-two again, not so much older than I should. This simple breeze released me. I wish to hold onto this feeling, to remind myself that it is less than a year and I am free. Free to be me in happiness.

A Possible End

Last night was not what I was hoping for. Rachel telling me that we are over forever was a major surprise and it hurt to get it through text message. I figured something like that was worth at least a call. That aside, I reacted like a dick and I'm embarrassed about it. I was out of line, rude, and not what I expect from myself. I will eventually be able to inventory emotions before letting them loose.

After having some time to think things over, my resentment has died down severely but the pain lingers. It sucks for me, but at the same time, this is Rachel's wish meaning it must bring her happiness and that's all I could ask for. I wish more than anything I could provide that happiness and we could spend our lives together still, but I know she will make someone else's life too. Nobody can ever leave as positive a mark upon my life as Rachel has. She is perfect for me, I regret not being that for her. Regardless, I will always love her and I hope we can still be best friends and help each other through life.

Skipping

Stagnancy has never been something I enjoy. I don't enjoy sitting still, I don't enjoy repetition, it's not me. So why am I giving in now? Why am I waiting for Rachel to come back when she probably won't anytime soon if ever? Waiting is over. It's not good for me and only leads to more pain when I find out each day how much better off she is because I'm not there. I will never mean as much as her friends and that's how it is. They make her happy and I do occasionally, but usually am a nuisance due to my mental health. I will limit my exposure to her as she seems to enjoy that. While not quite the end yet, it seems to get closer each day.

I'm starting to feel 
We stay together out of fear 
Of dying alone

I've been slipping through the years
My old clothes don't fit like they once did
So they hang like ghosts of the people I have been

It's like my heart can't be tamed
And I fall in love every day
And I feel like a fool

I have to face the truth
That no one could ever look at me like you do
Like I'm something worth holding onto

There's times I think of leaving
But it's something I'll never do
Because you can do better than me
But I can't do better than you 

Gone?

It's not really moving on if you're the one left behind.

Alone

I need someone, a person to talk to
Someone who'd care, to love 
Could it be you? Could it be you? 

Situation gets rough, then I start to panic
It's not enough, it's just a habit
Hey kid you're sick
Well darling, this is it 

You can all just kiss off into the air
Behind my back I can see them stare
They'll hurt me bad but I won't mind
They'll hurt me bad, they do it all the time

Failure

I tried.

'Til I'm laid to rest
Always be depressed
There's no life in the West
I know the East is the best
All the propaganda they spread
Tongues will have to confess

Not certain

Today I will turn what is a sour situation into a positive one. Rachel has given up on me and us. This is no longer her problem. Instead of thinking over how miserable this is, I will try and continue onward. I am clearly a thing of the past for her now and I will act as such. This is not some sort of revenge where maybe she'll miss me. More giving what has been asked for. It will remain to be incredibly difficult for me, but it is a small sacrifice to give Rachel what she wants. Love is never easy, but always worth it. Supposedly.

Confused

I just never know. I hate playing this game called worst case scenario.

So I'm getting kicked out of her life now. Go me. I still suck and will never be enough to keep her happy.

Okay

So much for that. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh a way.

Perfection

I'm afraid Rachel will be leaving me soon. I never seem to be enough for anyone. Nobody will accept me for my faults. Faith in me in waning. But what am I to do? I will never be perfect.

Damn

I feel really down and alone again. I miss and need Rachel.

Cure?

Despite of being exhausted, I am doing really well. I think/hope this will stick with me forever. Maybe I found my cure within myself.

Love

Today's bike ride back from counseling was better than any counseling I could ever get. I had my epiphany, my nirvana, my life's work. Everything is love just as love is everything. Love is behind every action mankind has ever committed. Love of oneself, love of an object, love of others. It is only when one loves them-self or an object more than others that pain occurs. Love oneself, but love others just as much. Spread love.

Hair

I have sunburn on top of my head. This sucks.

Basically, I suck.

I remain a failure and not good enough. I hate my life.

?

There are times where I just don't know what to do. I call those times life.

Loony Bin

After a much needed trip to the St. Vincent's Stress Center to get my shit sorted out, I feel much better. Life isn't any easier, but I'm learning to deal with it more productively. I don't know how getting back to school will be, but that should be interesting either way. I have a lot of catching up to do on life in general. First things first, I must get back with Rachel. I feel as though we've been drifting along again and I'm not certain why. So that is my main priority. After that, who knows? But I love her and get to see her tomorrow, which will be amazing.

WOO!

The next moment we get to be together cannot come soon enough. Hot damn do I love Rachel!

My Redemption

I think things may have finally been resolved. It's been incredibly difficult and painful, but this should work. Rachel and I both know what we need to do and we will do that. Neither of us will need to change a thing, other than opening up our hearts and love. I don't know why that's an issue to begin with. All that matters is we love each other as much as we possibly can. Showing that love will be beautiful and nothing can change that.

Reality

I wish there was something to believe in. One thing that was real. Just one bit that never changed. It seems more and more that nothing is permanent. Perhaps Buddhism is reality. Dharma, the truth, is suffering. I can't yet relish in that fact. I am only beaten down by it. Nothing is real. Nothing is sacred.

Wish

I, along with the rest of the world, want nothing more than for me to die. Immediately.

Awesome!

I had the most fantastic weekend ever. Rachel and I tore it up at formal, Ellie's confirmation was fun, and today was exciting minus school. Rachel and I finally put everything aside and decided to love each other unconditionally and it was the most beautiful thing ever. Without a doubt, the highlight of my life. There are no words to describe this, we were both just smiles. Just a major wow. And this will be the rest of my life! My cheeks will be huge for all the smiling that I will be doing while sharing my happiness with Rachel over what an amazing woman she is. I love her and she loves me. That's all there is to it.

Pain

On my way home tonight, I was upset again. It started out as just mild resentment with high speeds, soon brooding anger with the consideration of running into the moving train, then yelling in pain, and finally wailing in a way I have never done before. Wailing in anger, sadness, worthlessness, and the deepest emotional pain. I couldn't stop, but kept driving anyway. I didn't stop until half an hour after my mom came to comfort me. I am lost and hurt right now. The wailing may have stopped for now, but I can still feel and hear it.

Missing

I don't know if anyone would miss me if I went away. People seem indifferent towards me mostly. Occasionally caring, but mainly indifference. Perhaps I should just run away. I've been missing for quite some time anyway and nobody has seemed to taken notice to that. Support, love, and happiness are what I'm looking for. There is some here, but I seem to be an inconvenience to them. I don't want to be that anymore. I want to be accepted and loved unconditionally. Rachel is almost there.

Renewal

Tonight was amazing. I was getting ready for bed after a long day of nothing other than trying to be there for Katie and guitar. Then I realized that wasn't what I wanted to do right before climbing into bed. I needed a release, I needed something to fulfill me. So I decided I had to keep my word and climb the Jesus tower, having scoped it out and made it a goal to do so. Quickly and silently changing, I ventured back out to do this. However, the underpass for me to cross was a third of a mile passed the tower. I considered crossing the highway, but decided I'd just stick it out to be safe. Upon making it to the tower with no cars around, I went in only to find out that I would not be able to climb it, as it was sectioned off by levels. Damn ceilings getting in my way. Abandoning that, I ventured across the highway for that rush I was looking for. Not really having to avoid many cars, I made it across. Having done so, I noticed a man outside Diamond Club South waving fanatically at me, so I removed my headphones. This man is Alex. Alex recently was released from jail after serving eight years. Alex went to the strip club with his buddies to celebrate and was enjoying himself and the Mexican woman who looked Asian. After exclaiming how impressed he was that I crossed the highway, he asked if I was okay and moved me into the light so he could check out my eyes. After my assurance and the examination, he offered to buy me a drink or give me a ride to the hotel. I declined both politely and with much appreciation. Then he said something that will stick with me for quite some time. Alex proclaimed, "God is good, man." At this, I smiled and agreed. This was big. So we chatted a bit more and I told him to enjoy himself and time with his buddies and I was glad he was released. He seemed stunned and as appreciative as one could ever be. Alex told me he hopes we see each other again. I hope so too.

The reason this occurrence holds such ground with me, is the message behind it. I have been searching and hoping to find good in society for awhile now, to no avail. I want to be able to believe in others, knowing they are good. This was my sign.

Being randomly roused out of the potential comfort of sleep to wander stuck me as strange but necessary. I followed that to the thing I thought would bring me happiness, the Jesus tower. Upon searching this out and trying to make it work, my efforts were fruitless. Seeking thrills in crossing the highway, flirting with death and disaster, were a loss. It was Alex that changed all this. I cannot seek out the good in society, rather it will find me. Here is a man who was released from jail after eight years who first made sure I was okay physically, mentally, and emotionally. A stranger with a crime record! I now believe that good people sometimes do bad things, not the opposite.

It was so much more than that though. I went searching for Jesus. I have been looking and forcing the issue for years. I went searching and came up lame. I have tried worldly goods to find them momentarily fulfilling, but nothing to build on. However, by happenstance, I was found trying these means unsuccessfully and brought to true happiness. That Alex said, "God is good," is no coincidence. This was my first conversation with God. Tonight was my awakening. I was lost and have been found. Thank you.

Rebound!

Today was a really good day. This is surprising as I only got two hours of sleep last night due to attempting (and failing) to be a good boyfriend. But class went well, coconut was good, got to see Pete before he left, flight was fun, made friends with two old men (one Asian man who I let use my bins for his coat before he thanked and blessed me many times over and my Hispanic friend who, in spite of our language barrier, shared many laughs with me and I got to let him and his wife sit next to each other on the plane and watch them be good to each other), experienced hardcore deja vu (still waiting on the results), made it into beautiful Houston, had a good meal, got to stroll the local area, got called either a nigger or a beggar, played guitar by the pool, and am ready for another good day. Found three strip clubs, two pool halls, and numerous places to trespass tomorrow on my walk tonight. And I will play guitar while sitting on the median of the highway by the end of this weekend. Solid.

Questions

After what I had hoped would be a successful evening, I am filled with questions.

How long with the peace last? Will Rachel ever admit to doing something wrong, or must I always be to blame? Should we be together if I drag her down like that? Will she realize that I'm giving her multiple chances too?

The big question that's been floating around me is does any of this matter? Is life real? Since everything came from something, where did that something come from? Can nothingness produce something or is everything a mirage? If so, why continue to follow the path I'm on? Why not sell everything and live in search of that?

So now I may drop out of school and pursue that. Seems to make sense.

Worried

I really hope things work. I will do anything and everything within my power to keep Rachel around, unless she doesn't want to be. If that is the case, I will respect her decision and just do what I can from there. I love her and miss her. Whatever happens, I hope she can be as happy as possible.

Failure

I can't seem to go more than two days without being a fuck up in some respect. And then people wonder why I'm suicidal. Because I'm never enough. Because I'm always letting someone down. Because I have been reduced to something so insignificant, I really don't matter. Everyone can tell me I do all they want, but until that's constantly shown, I will remain resentful of myself and. on occasion, of them too. This is massacre of emotion. I am worn down and beaten up with no point in trying again. I give up on life. Maybe next time?

Questions

I will always be judged, always be put down for doing things certain ways. Who is to say what is right and what is wrong? Who is so without faults as to be able to tell someone what they can and can't do? Why compare people when it is common knowledge that no two people are alike? Why can't I just be left the fuck alone, to be who I am? I wish there were answers to these questions.

Love

I really want to be loved. Right now, that would make all the difference. If this keeps up, I will have to look elsewhere for people to really care.

Doubts

I don't know how much longer Rachel and I will last. She has had nothing but doubts and questions about us these past two days. A good weekend with each other seems to have been all but erased from her memory. And she tells me to have faith after all this. I have been trying. I believe in us, but I feel like she's quitting. It hurts. A lot.

Done

I have been tossed aside, just like that. All over the jealousy of another. I am crushed. I hope Rachel finds the man to stick up for her.

Tonight...

Tonight he bows out. Seemingly at his prime, he decides that enough is enough, this is my time. "He always was so stubborn," they will say. "I should have noticed, I should have stopped him," others will cry. But in the end, it finally went his way. The way he wanted it.

untitled

It seems like everyone just kind of quits. Guess I can get used to that. Not that it fucking matters.

In my corner

No one can hear me because no one cares. I felt alone before, but this is pretty bad. Nothing seems real. I don't think that everything is fake though, it just convincingly appears that way. Maybe I'll see tomorrow. Perhaps I won't. Either way, things will have seemed to of worked themselves out.

Crash

I wish my life would level out. I have done nothing today. I wasn't able to from the moment I tried to wake up. I'm fucking useless.

Love

After spending an incredible weekend with Rachel, I am starting to fully understand what love is. She is the grace of my life. She will do anything and everything possible, and sometimes impossible to make me happy. I am so grateful for her and nothing will change that. We have an amazing life ahead of us and I think that alone will cure me of my depression. Rachel is the answer to all my hopes and prayers. Thank you love.

Care?

Anytime something bad happens to me, Rachel feels sorry for herself. It's annoying. I'm not certain if it's bad that I just don't care anymore. She can pout all she wants. Maybe that will help her suicidal boyfriend. Doubtful.

I'm am entirely despondent at this point in time.

Last wishes

I want nothing more than for life to go away, to leave me at peace. Until that time, I will fight. The problem with internal battles is one will always get hurt. I'm okay with that.

I don't know what I expected. Perhaps something more than a text. Maybe proving something. Again, I am disappointed. I generally am. Perhaps this is the perfect time to rethink what I hoped would work. Perhaps.

Downturn

Sometimes I just don't know. Today was a radical mood swing from euphoric yesterday to suicidal again today. I started happening during my American Religious History course while talking to Rachel. I don't know what to do. Perhaps I'm insecure about what I'm going to be doing in the future. I'd like to go to a seminary for study, but I don't know how she feels about it. Uneasy at best it seems to me. So I shut down, almost cried, then lost all feeling but sadness. I need her here, but that won't happen. I feel empty, like I have nothing. For now, Rachel is a mirage to me. I can see and hear her, but never get to feel anything. I need that more than anything. I need to feel love. I shouldn't have bought a knife sharpener.

Wonderful

Today Rachel and I shared our livejournals with each other after I asked if she ever wrote with no audience in mind. I was, of course, talking about this. Nobody knows about it, that I'm aware of, yet I update it regularly. Oh well. So we read each other's journals and it was nice. I got to see Brad in a new light and understand that more. Rachel really is a special woman. We video chatted again and it was wonderful! Getting to see her beauty is all its glory is always a treat. She is beautiful, comforting, and sexy all at the same time. I can't get enough of her. All I wanted was to be there with her, to actually feel her against me, not just imagining it. Even then, I could feel her and it was wonderful. I talked to her for eight straight hours and could have talked far longer. We have true love, and it is beautiful.

Redemption

Love is finding that person who sees one is beautiful and intelligent and wants to cherish that together forever.

Rachel and I have not only gotten back to where we were, but eclipsed that in the most beautiful way. This past week has involved us getting to know each other in ways we only talked about. We are incredibly open and welcoming of questions and suggestions. This is love. This is what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life.

Powerless and weak

Today proved to be difficult still, as I lay in bed until 2:30, with no reason or motivation to get up. Rachel is still, understandably, shaken by yesterday. There is no hope in sight. She is lost and has told me there is nothing I can do to help. Surrendering all power to her is painful, but must be done. This is now in her hands, and if we are meant to be together, then she will decide so for us. Deciding to pick up my Tricycle magazine, the article on relationships, namely unhealthy ones, caught my attention. Reading through it, I saw Rachel and my relationship unfold. We are both sides of lenchak to each other. We both give with nothing in return and take and take without rewarding the other. I have been so blind to what she does and it is difficult to look back on. However, I will become more aware of myself, speak less, and listen more. This will, hopefully, help in our relationship, or futures ones awaiting me. I hope it is the first. Time to get back into religion. Now I need to determine if I jump in or ease in. Only the events of my immediate future will tell.

Philosophy

Today has proven true that nothing is permanent. This weekend with Rachel was beyond special. We were with each other for all but a total of 6 hours. Then I broke down and ruined almost everything we had worked towards. I hate my life and it shows. I am emotionally destroyed. Every time I start to open up, I get burned. I give and give for nothing. This time has been no different. Rachel knows my need for privacy and is now telling Lucas about my issues. I'm done telling her anything for awhile. My trust has been betrayed and I am once again hurt.

New Page?

Today is the first day of my newest medication. I've heard the horror stories about anti-depressants and all the baggage that comes with them. It will be interesting to see how this affects me in the long term. So far, all the short term madness is here. I was often confused earlier, dizzy, nauseous, and irritable. Go me! Luckily I went to go practice some hockey stuff to keep myself happy after all this. Rachel isn't doing it again tonight. Yesterday we said we'd do a video chat and I don't see that happening. She hasn't said anything about it and I don't think she cares or wants to. Oh well. Same shit, new day.

End?

Today has been another interesting day. Classes went fine and I even started homework. However, everything else is out of whack. Couldn't get a hold of any psychiatrist that will take me due to specialization. Rachel is out of it. She evidently wants to do social work with children and become an emergency foster parent. I hope her husband is down for that, because it sure won't be me. I want to live my life for once, not be stuck with commitments to her fucking dog and a baby that isn't even mine. So I'm not sure if this will work. I may have to cut this off before it's too late.

Bid Day went missing

It seems everything is so frivolous anymore. Today could have not happened and that would have been fine. Nothing stands out. I'm just here. And even then, barely. The rampant immaturity surrounding me is annoying. I don't think less of them, it's just that the lack of responsibility and control demonstrated by all can be detrimental. I want no part in it. I need as much control over myself as I can get. I haven't been able to feel all day and as soon as Rachel signed off, I started crying. I wish she would have just called me instead. She only calls me when something is wrong. How can no one see how much I hurt?

Worthless

Today I truly feel worthless. Nobody notices anything. Everyone is so self-absorbed and concerned with serving themselves and their wants. Rachel didn't ask how I was feeling, left a half-hearted voicemail, and didn't bother to leave me anything else. She doesn't need me and I should just accept that. She may love me, but she sure doesn't need me. I'll leave her alone until she asks for me back. I feel like I don't matter. As though I'm being used all the time. Few seem to give a shit about me as a person. Everyone is so cold and shut off. I hate this.

Up and down...

I am lost once again. I was fine until Brad came into the picture again. Just one talk about our past and a slip with his name instead of brag and I was gone. Finding out what he did to Rachel for the last two years of their relationship kills me. That anyone would tell someone else they love them and sleep with them while dating someone else is terrible. To sleep with both in the same night is even worse. I have such an anger through me about him, I can't help it. I hate him and wish him the worst. He's not even human. No one deserves to be treated like that, especially Rachel, who is so sweet. I can't understand any of this and it infuriates me. I wish she would have left him sooner. I wish I would have said something to her our first year together at work, effectively removing him from the picture entirely without any of this pain cause to Rachel and I. Someday things will be simple.

Leaving

I want so badly to leave this place. Last night's breakdown was just another piece of the Valpo puzzle. I am incredibly lonely here. With everything going on, nobody is bothering to actually listen to me. Each person involved has an opinion, and the time to share it, but not the time to hear what's going on. So cliche, but my parents do not understand a single bit of this. That, understandably, scares the shit out of them and it ends up on me. All their confusion and worry ends up on me. Rachel is the same thing. She worries so much about me and what will happen. If someone would show me faith that things will get better instead of worse, maybe they actually will. Until that time, I regress into my hole. Fighting can only get one so far in a battle. Eventually, backup is a must.

Going back

Tomorrow I leave for Butler again. I don't particularly want to go back. I hate that place. Almost as much as I hate being home. To be torn between the lesser of all evils time and time again gets to be a tad annoying. I wish this society ran differently, where one wouldn't have to seek a higher education to do a job where most of that education will not be needed. Such are things, however and one just has to deal with it. So I will for as long as possible.